Should-ism

"Have good trust in yourself, not in the One that you think you should be, 

but in the One that you are."

~ Taizan Maezumi, Zen Master

For most of my life, I have been enmeshed in what I call "should-ism." Who and what I am was not good enough. If that sounds whiney, I hasten to add that the person who most persistently told me I'm not good enough was myself. Of course, it was a learned behavior; but I learned it very well. And I know I'm not alone in this regard.

I got annoyed with myself the other day because I became annoyed at a situation, upon which annoyance my ego feasted for several hours. My inner critic went into hyper-drive and told me, "You shouldn't be that way. You should be this way."

And that's when I decided I'd had it. I decided to sit down and write in my journal about what had happened, and I learned a few things.

First, I realized how strongly "should-ism" permeates my life. I should be this. I should be that. I shouldn't be this; I shouldn't do that. 

Second, "should-ism" is totally other, i.e., it directs my attention outside myself (i) because what's inside myself is not good enough, and (ii) therefore I have to look to other beliefs and persons in order to be better.

Third, I realized I'm afraid to let "should-ism" go. I realized I am afraid of the void that my ego tells me would be created if I sent Shouldism packing. 

Shouldism is like a stern, disapproving school marm who is constantly correcting, telling me who I am, telling me when I do wrong, never praising me, always telling me I could do better, telling me I am nothing without her, that I am her, that I can't live without her saving me from myself. 

I realized I have been afraid to tell her that she needs to go. I am afraid to confront her for what she has done to me. This has been my normal, and - I mused - she is the only person who loves me, and I can only feel self-love through her.

What, my ego tells me, will happen if I tell her to go, or if I simply leave her classroom? All these "shoulds" have been my identity, have given me my sense of self-worth as I have fulfilled my shoulds (and my should nots). There is the fear that I will be nothing without Shouldism.

As I have typed this and looked at the words I wrote in my journal the other day, I have had other realizations (which is one of the reasons I blog) that are too personal to share here. Suffice it to say that it became clear to me that the school marm has taken on various personifications throughout my life ...

So what, I asked myself, am I going to do about this? First, recognize Shouldism's presence and be conscious of her influence. Second, work at having trust in myself, not in the person my ego thinks I should be. Third, confront - and, hopefully, eventually overcome - the fear of being alone with myself as I banish Shouldism from my life, resting in the belief that I am good enough.

I realize this probably will sound like absolute gibberish to some people (perhaps most) who may read this post. But that's okay. This is for me.

"Trust in myself with all mine heart and lean not upon the ego's

 or others' understanding. In all my ways believe in myself, 

and my path shall open before me."

Sanctity, a Baby and a Bus Driver

Esperanza behind my daughter and granddaughter at our Commitment Ceremony in August

We were sitting in my car, waiting for her bus on an extremely windy and cold evening. I didn’t know a whole lot about Esperanza. I knew she is from Peru, that she is not married and apparently (as far as I knew) had no children. I would guess her age to be in the late 40’s.

Esperanza came to our house every other week or so to take care of the plants and assist in light cleaning and organizing. She had also been a huge help when we had our commitment ceremony in late August and was now helping us with our move. She worked diligently and quietly and has always carried an air of humble dignity as well as a beautiful smile. 

I knew that Esperanza is from Peru, that she was not married and apparently (as far as I knew) had no children. But that’s about it. So, as we sat there in the car waiting for the bus, it occurred to me that this was an opportunity to get to know her better. 

I asked how long she has lived in the United States. Turns out she has been here for about 20 years, that she was married but is divorced.

I next asked if she had any children. I wasn’t prepared for her answer.

Esperanza proceeded to tell me a story. A little over 20 years ago, she was living in the northern Mexican city of San Luis Potosi. She and a friend were walking on the street one day when a woman, in obvious distress, approached them holding a baby. 

“Will you please take my baby?” the woman cried. 

Shocked, Esperanza asked why she would say such a thing. “He is sick and I cannot take care of him. Please take my baby!” 

Esperanza replied that they could not take her baby. The woman plead all the harder. Finally, Esperanza told the woman that she would take her and her baby to a hospital and that she – Esperanza – would pay for treatment for the baby.

After the baby had been examined, the doctors said that he was very, very sick and it was unlikely that he would live more than three months. After some discussions, Esperanza said she would pay for the baby to be hospitalized for a month. When a doctor asked her if she was a relative, she replied that, no, she had just met the mother and baby.

I sat spellbound as Esperanza continued her story.

A month later, the baby was not much better. Esperanza described holding the child as he wrapped his hand around one of her fingers. “You must live!” she said quietly to the child. “You must live!”

Esperanza smiled at me. Her face had a glow, even in the darkened car. “That baby boy just turned 21.” There was pride evident in her face. Not pride at what she had done, but pride in her adopted son who is now finishing his education at a trade school.

She went on to say that she has supported the boy, David, for the past 20 years. She has visited him and he has visited her. Wanting to do more for his family and their neighbors, Esperanza was distressed that the villagers had to walk quite a ways for water. The solution? She and some other people organized raffles and bake sales to raise money to have a well drilled so that they could have a local source of water.

I sat there amazed. Amazed. Feeling blessed to have heard such a story. But David wasn’t the end of the story. Esperanza also told me about her nephew in Peru, studying to be a doctor. His mother, Esperanza’s sister, has Lupus. His father, an engineer, has difficulty finding work. So Esperanza, who works as a nanny and light housekeeper and domestic assistant, sends money to her nephew to help support him through school. “Only five more years,” Esperanza smiled.

“That’s amazing!” I said. Over and over again. I had been so moved by her story about David and his village, then by her story of her nephew. This woman, who has comparatively little, had done – and is doing - so much. I felt tremendously blessed to have sat with her in that car that blustery evening.

Suddenly, Esperanza’s bus became visible in the rear view mirror. She hurriedly said goodbye and walked quickly back to the bus stop. Looking in my mirror, however, the bus appeared not to be slowing down. I hopped out and waved my arms at the bus, pointing to Esperanza. The bus came to a stop in the street and she got on. 

I got back in the car and waited for the bus to pass before pulling away from the curb. But the bus pulled up next to me and the driver motioned for me to roll down my window, which I did. Silly me, I thought maybe he was going to thank me. I was mistaken. “Hey,” he said, accusatorily, “your brake lights blinded me and that’s why I couldn’t see her.” I felt assaulted, especially after the beautiful story I had just heard. I simply shrugged deflatedly, rolled my window up and waited for the bus to pass.

That very day, I had read some passages from David Richo’s book, Catholic Means Universal, that had a direct bearing on what had transpired that evening: 

“Ego and its capacity for limitation and mean-spiritedness reveal us to ourselves … Spiritual practice has as its goal not enlightenment but the state of being in which our first reaction to others is not from our ego mind but from the heart of Christ, the Buddha mind, our higher Self. Thus, the ego’s automatic reaction of conditional love can become unconditional love; ego biases can become expansive and generous wisdom; retaliation can vanish into reconciliation. Our first impulse is not to get back at but to get back with. Through practice that new set of responses becomes habitual. That habit is called sanctity.”

I take it as an indication of my own progress that I didn’t lash back in my mind at that bus driver for being so incredibly petty and ego-driven. I also thought about Esperanza and the day she was approached in San Luis Potosi by that distraught woman. Many, many would have turned away. But Esperanza’s first reaction was from the heart of Christ, the Buddha mind, the Higher Self – and that made all the difference. Therein lies sanctity.

Kindness and the Ego

"In every religion there is love, yet love has no religion."

~ Rumi

I wrote on this subject the other day. The Dalai Lama has said that his religion is kindness. Buddhists speak of “loving kindness.” I have come to see the invitation to kindness as being – among other things - a peaceful yet very effective way of disarming my Ego, and thus progressing to a more enlightened person.

Case in point. Again the other day at the grocery store, I was confronted with situations at which my Ego was practically salivating, e.g., the woman who left her cart right in the middle of the aisle. “What was she thinking?!” my ego says. “How inconsiderate.” “Really?” I asked, do they really have to move that slowly? Do they not realize that there are other people in this store besides them?”

And then, and then, the gentler angel of my nature says something like, “Really? Really, Joseph? Do you really enjoy letting yourself get irritated by thoughtless acts of others? You do realize, don’t you, that they have not come to the store at precisely the same time you decided to grace the place with your presence, just to irritate you?”

Well, that maybe is not the voice of “the gentler angel of my nature,” but it’s pretty spot on.

The gentler voice comes next, full of compassion. “Joseph, you are called to something better than this. Try to work on it, ok? I promise that, if you do, you’ll have marvelous experiences.

I sense very strongly that this voice speaks truth. As I reflected upon that experience at the store while writing in my journal, I wrote, “In kindness is love found and conveyed. It’s a win-win situation. I suspect that one of the reasons I have been and am unkind is because I don’t like – or rather haven’t liked – myself, and my attitude and behavior toward others is a reflection of how I feel about myself. As I practice loving kindness, I can learn to better love myself.”

In this regard, I have started reading a wonderful book by John O’Donohue entitled Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom (Anam Cara is Gaelic for "soul friend"). I’m sure I will have much to say about the treasures of this book as I slowly work my way through it. As it happened, I read the following passages the day after my experience at the grocery store:

“Each person also has an inner face, which is always sensed but never seen. The heart is the inner face of your life. The human journey strives to make this inner face beautiful. It is here that love gathers within you. Love is absolutely vital for a human life. For love alone can awake what is divine within you. In love, you grow and come home to yourself. When you learn to love and let your self be loved, you come home to the hearth of your own spirit. You are warm and sheltered. You are completely at one in the house of your own longing and belonging … You lose the balance of your soul if you do not learn to take care of yourself. You need to be generous to yourself in order to receive the love that surrounds you.”

Moral of the story: practice loving kindness to yourself and to others. It becomes a cycle, a circle that grows in richness and blessings.

One more quote by O’Donohue about love that perfectly describes some of what I have felt since meeting Mark:

“When love awakens in your life, in the night of your heart, it is like the dawn breaking within you. Where before there was anonymity, now there is intimacy; where before there was fear, not there is courage; where before in your life there was awkwardness, now there is a rhythm of grace and gracefulness; where before you used to be jagged, now you are elegant and in rhythm with your self. When love awakens in your life, it is like a rebirth, a new beginning.”

Sigh. Such beautiful prose.