Mixed-Orientation Marriages: "I Am Me and I Am Beautiful"

Back in June, I published a post consisting of comments from "Jeff" about his mixed-orientation marriage. Yesterday, via comments on that post, he updated me on his situation. So that his thoughts get the exposure they deserve, I am publishing them here in this post. 

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So much has happened in my life since I wrote this last entry to you in July. Would you indulge me for a moment? I feel that you were a source of hope during a particularly bleak period of my life. Let me just preface by saying that the changes that have occurred in my life lately are only part of a journey that I have been engaged in for a very long time. Reading blogs and stories from many people like yourself, Joseph, have only helped me to realize that I am not alone. I am no longer a mistake that God or my parents made. I am me, and I am beautiful. I still carry on my shoulders the guilt and shame that are the result of growing up in the LDS church, and to a larger extent, our society. But, I have hope that perhaps God does not hate me. Perhaps God loves me. Perhaps being gay was something natural that I was born with, along with brown hair and ten fingers. Or perhaps it was a result of a troubled childhood and lack of male affection early on in my life. I do not know entirely. But I do know that God wants me to be happy, and I was not happy in a mixed-orientation marriage.

You were right. If I wasn't gay I would still not be happy in the marriage that I was in. One morning in June I woke up and had the strong feeling that if I divorced my wife, it would be devastating to my children, but they would eventually be better off because they would be able to see life with me, away from and without the influence of their mother. You see, my wife has so many mental and emotional issues that my children are being raised in chaos and instability. If I could get away, they could see what life could be like without the chaos and with so much more stability. So, with that insight, and holding on to faith and hope, I told my wife around the middle of July that I wanted a divorce. Being the narcissistic and bipolar person that she is, you can imagine that the last few months have been a roller coaster.

I filed for divorce, got an attorney, and began pursuing the right to have guardianship of my children. The children were devastated, as you can imagine. But things are getting better. They genuinely love me, and they love spending time with me. We have so much better quality time together, even though for the time being it is limited. But, for the time that they are with me, they experience stability and peace. My new apartment is clean, peaceful and a bright example of an alternative to the chaos that they live with every day with their mother.

This decision that I made, ultimately, was because of the chaos, anger and negativity of my wife. The unhappiness in my marriage was not 100% due to my wife. The sexual frustrations played a big part for me. However, my ultimate decision to divorce was entirely because of her. I realized that my kids would actually have a greater chance in the long run if they knew me as a healthy, complete person, and could experience stability and peaceful living.

One additional thing, the first hearing last month determined that my kids would continue to stay with my wife for the time being until further assessment could be completed. I live in a very conservative community, so my wife's lawyer asked me a question that she thought would damage my case. She asked, "Are you gay?" I paused for a moment and replied, "Yes." I added no more comment. You could have heard a pin drop, though, in the courtroom. Afterwards, my family, who doesn't fully grasp the seriousness of my feelings, tried to tell me how wrong and damaging it was to my case that I said 'yes'. However, I didn't feel that way. It felt liberating in a way to be able to just come out and say it. I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed. I felt happy about it. If it really hurts my case, then come what may. I don't want to lie anymore. According to my family, I "suffer" from same-sex attraction. Apparently, it's like a permanent disease, not a characteristic of my identity. We'll have our sit-down soon. They'll either love me or hate me. Either way, I will continue to just love myself. It's taken me 38 years to be able to be comfortable with the fact that I am gay. I suppose they might need a little time as well.

But the information that leaked last week from the Church really put a whole new spin on my situation, as you can imagine. Two of my daughters are already baptized. One of them is six, and she really wants me to baptize her. This is a whole new dilemma that I was not prepared to deal with. I can't believe that this is happening at the same time as my divorce. So, my thoughts race as to what to do now. Do I just put up the facade that I'm the good Mormon who suffers with SSA, or do I completely come clean. Not sure yet about that one.

Anyways, I thought you would find my story of interest. Thank you for your kind words before. They helped center my thoughts a bit more in preparation for this stage in my life.

Mixed-Orientation Marriages: Going Insane Inside

A little over a month ago, I republished a blog post about mixed-orientation marriages that had been originally posted on my old blog in 2011. It was about a man named "James" who described what his mixed-orientation marriage was like.

Yesterday, "Jeff" left a comment on that post. In order to give this comment the exposure it deserves, I am posting it here in its entirety.

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I can't help but wonder why more people have not responded to this post. I would love to see the original replies. 

Thank you so much for reposting this. James' story is exactly mine. To a tee, with the exception that my wife has not caused me to be disfellowshipped. Might I share a few thoughts as I read this today?:

Today is June 26, 2015---a momentous day in LGBT history and equality. As I heard the announcement that gay marriage is now legal, I cried. Tears of joy fell from my eyes for quite some time as I realized the magnitude of the decision to allow same-sex couples to marry. After the elation of the moment passed, I sat back and looked at my current situation. I am a gay man, married to a woman, with three beautiful children. I live each day under the guise that I am just like everyone else. I've done everything that the church says that I'm supposed to do. Like I say, my story is just like James'. He did an excellent job of describing the emotions, intentions and reasons for his life decisions. Mine were exactly the same. 

So here I am on this beautiful day, so happy that gay marriage is now legal in our country. And it will literally have no impact on my life, as long as I continue the status quo. So I find myself faced with this question: Why do I continue life as a gay man who lives each day as though he is in hiding?....especially when the rest of the world seems to be progressing more and more towards acceptance of homosexuality and understanding of people like me? Why do I let my church, my family, my wife and even myself squash me down as though in a vise? 

The answer is, and always has been, my children. I can deal with the church rebuking me, my family chastising me, and my wife giving me hell if I were to leave her, but I don't know if I can leave my children. Sure, I would still be in their lives, but their world would be crushed. And their father would be the one who threw down the hammer. Compounding things, my parents divorced when I was little. I never grew up with a dad, really. He lived on the other side of the country, so I never saw him. It devastated me. How could I do the exact same thing to my children?

On the other hand, I am going insane inside. I am quickly dying. My ability to keep my mask up for the world to see is waning. I feel that my children would see a much healthier father if I completely came out, divorced my wife, and moved on with my life. 

So, today's decision by the Supreme Court is a cause for celebration. I wonder if it will be enough to convince myself that accepting gay marriage in my own heart, truly, means no longer being a hypocrite. No longer staying married to a woman. No longer telling myself that my children would hate me forever if I divorced their mother. No longer telling myself that my children would hate me if I chose to marry a man instead. 

In the end, my children's love is the only love I care most about.

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Please, anyone who reads this who has been or is currently in a mixed-orientation marriage, leave a comment for Jeff to lend him support and counsel.

I am the first to say that each mixed-orientation marriage is different and that I respect the decisions of each man in such marriages as to how they deal with their particular situation. That being said, Jeff, here are my thoughts.

I was once, in a sense, where you are now. However, my situation was a bit different. I never planned to come out, and my marriage was already on life-support when events propelled me out of the closet. I was willing to continue to try to work on our marriage, but my former wife was not. 

I had already reached a point, shortly before coming out, where I realized that we'd probably all be a lot happier if we divorced - me, her, our children. Like you, my parents were divorced when I was young. I never wanted to divorce. But it happened.

Though there have been some difficult times for everyone involved over the last five years, I don't regret the decisions I made. After 40 years, I was able to live my life authentically and happily. I met a man with whom I fell deeply in love, and I have experienced more happiness during these past four years that I ever would have thought possible. 

Several of my older children have expressed gratitude to my husband for facilitating the happiness they see in their father - something they rarely saw as they were growing up. These same children have also expressed gratitude for the example I set of choosing to live my life authentically. They have made the same decision and are experiencing their own happiness as a result.

As to my younger children, though I don't live with them, they know I love them. They see me happy. They experience the love of my husband. They see Mark and I together. They see the love between us. Just the other day, as Mark and I shared a hug and a kiss, my adolescent daughter said, "Awwww, true love."

I understand the desperation you feel, Jeff. I understand what it's like to feel dead inside. I understand the fear you feel when you contemplate what your children might experience in the event of a divorce. But I ask you to consider this: a parent's profound unhappiness affects his children in ways that can be deep and long-lasting. If you are dying inside, can you be the best father you can be?

Mixed-Orientation Marriages: Falling Away

I keep noticing that one post I did a year ago entitled A Callous Dumbing Down of Mixed-Orientation Marriages keeps getting a lot of page views every month. Because of this, I am republishing a post that was originally posted on my Invictus Pilgrim blog (now closed) in hopes that it may benefit someone.

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James is a gay Mormon man in a mixed-orientation marriage who recently wrote to me. What follows is part of James’ story. You will see that I have asked for input from readers. Please reach out to James through your comments. He could use our support.

“I am in my early 40’s, and my story is typical of others I have read about.  As you blogged this week in behalf of "Dave", I found myself reading the responses with great anticipation to finding the answer to my identical questions.  I must say that I found quite a bit of clarity within the responses; however, I'm still longing for someone to tell me that it will all be ok and that I will find favor with God pursuing a gay lifestyle.”

Question to Readers: I would like to invite readers to share comments and their own experiences of how (a) they came to a point where they received assurance that God is “ok” with their gayness or (b) they came to a point where they decided they neither wanted or needed divine “approval” of their gay identity.

“I, like many of your readers, grew up knowing that I was different. I wanted to be like the other guys who were so masculine and athletic but I always fell short. I wanted to be attracted to women but it just didn't happen. I, too, went on a mission after bargaining with the Lord that I would give him my very best for two years in order to be freed from the clutches of my gayness. I worked my ass off and the day I left my mission, I knew it would never go away. What a ginormous letdown.”

Question to Readers:  Did anyone else go on a mission with similar feelings, hoping that the mission experience would get ride of same-sex attraction? What was your experience?

“I continued to keep my dark little secret, no one knew, but plenty of people speculated. I attended BYU under the assumption that living in that controlled environment would help my situation. It didn't, it made it worse. I dated woman after woman, hoping to find someone who, if she found out my deep dark secret, would have some level of compassion and understanding.

“I never told my soon-to-be wife about my attraction to men. I had the misguided belief that for this marriage to work I had to jump in, feet first and NEVER look back. 

Question to Readers:  I certainly had the same approach to marriage, believing that I had to give it my all, including my Self, in order for me to experience “success”, i.e., in spite of my gayness.  Can anyone else relate/share their experience?

“The woman I married was intellectual, stunningly beautiful, full of optimism and a very faithful Mormon. Her father taught her to be loving and non-judgmental. At the time I thought it was a perfect fit, especially if I ended up coming out of the closet: I figured that if she ever did find out about the real me, there would be some level of understanding and she would be successful at finding someone else. I never told her about my attraction to men.  I deceived her and everyone else, including myself, all under the premise that if I followed the prophet, I wouldn't be led astray. What a crock!

“About three years ago, a perfect storm formed and I just couldn't resist my natural urges anymore. I indulged in an unforgettable affair with an unforgettable man. We fell in love. He, too, was married but gay.  e sought opportunities to spend time together, fell in love and shared intimacy in a way neither of us had ever experienced. 

“Eventually, my wife discovered the affair and the identity of my lover. She threatened to expose him to his wife if he ever contacted me again, and that was the end. She then went to our bishop and our stake president and, not content to stop there, told her parents and her siblings and, for good measure, not one but two general authorities. The closet door was flung wide open. There I stood, naked, vulnerable, exposed and very, very frightened while feeling the enormous loss of losing the precious love I had discovered! 

“For her part, my wife was crushed, disappointed and heartbroken. She thought that the “problem” was with her and that she had driven me to have a gay affair. She begged me to stay for various reasons, none of them particularly healthy. We seriously considered divorce; however, primarily for the sake of our children, for financial reasons and, particularly in the case of my wife, for the sake of appearances in our conservative, close-knit Mormon community, we decided to stay together.

“Two years later, I continue to live a double life filled with inauthenticity and deceit - knowing that I am gay but pretending to be something I’m not - in order to protect those around me from the pain, shame and disappointment that would come from me leaving the marriage. As a result, I have dealt with extreme emotional despair including depression, raging anger, fear, hopelessness, more anger, injustice, betrayal by God, betrayal by the church, anxiety. . . . and so on. I even considered driving my car under a semi truck on the freeway in order to escape the bone crushing pressure and pain.  But, as I thought of my children, I reconsidered and decided to stick around.

“Then there is the letting go of a testimony and tradition of the LDS church. As a result of my wife's anger and her uncovering my secret, I was disfellowshipped from the church and remain so.  I have worked a life time to understand and embrace even when it flies in the face of all conscious reasoning and logic.  I was dedicated to the church in every way, one of its finest members by way of loyalty and service.  My testimony of the “church” is completely destroyed.  I have a testimony in the Gospel of Jesus Christ as it relates to . . . well, Jesus Christ; however, anything institutional I just don’t buy into anymore.  How can something that is supposed to be so right be so corrupting and wrong? 

“I feel like this situation is impossible and that there is no good resolution. There are other problems in our marriage that have contributed to an almost hopeless situation. On some days I feel like giving up. Honestly, I am not living my life day by day anymore; I am now hour by hour. I have lost everything - career, homes, businesses, self confidence, self actualization. The only thing I have going for me right now is my family. On the one hand, I cannot bear to change my circumstances any more than they already are or are about to become. On the other hand, both my wife and I are miserable." 

Question to Readers:  Have any of you come to the point where you knew you couldn’t go on “the way you weren’t” and, though seemingly insane and impossible, stepped or fallen through the looking glass into a world where your sexuality was finally accepted as a reality?

“During a recent, sleepless night, I lied in my bed, staring into the dark, contemplating how my life has fallen apart. Then the thought came to my mind. . . ‘your life isn't falling apart, it's falling away.’ Since that time, I have pondered over these words that came to me, and I have thought of the quote by Anais Nin:

“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud

was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

“So … here's to new beginnings … to taking that step off the edge into the abyss.  To finding meaning among all the devastation …”

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In a subsequent post, I will publish comments that were made to this post. I also encourage any who so desire to answer my questions anew by leaving a comment.

Mixed-Orientation Marriages: Dave's Responses

This is the concluding post in a series that began with this one. These posts, which include material originally published on my Invictus Pilgrim blog three years ago, have told the story of "Dave" - an active gay Mormon man in a mixed-orientation marriage. Today's post sets out Dave's responses to the comments left by others on the original post.

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I read the first comment early this morning before leaving for work, and while I am trying to remain open to all options, my reaction wasn't good … Perhaps my comments in the blog were unclear - I've tried this route, to "accept God into his life and tries hard enough, his homosexual attractions will diminish" for more than 10 years, without success. The result? Despair, self-hatred, hopelessness, anger, guilt...you know the cycle.

To be honest, I'm not sure where I fall on the Kinsey scale, but MohoHawaii is likely correct. Without coming to terms with whether I'm ready to slap a rainbow flag on my car or claim bi-sexuality, I have come out to several good friends by telling them about my years of silence and pain, and by describing the beginning of this journey. The reactions have all been supportive, but certainly differ depending on whether they're Mormon or not. I have felt some peace since my secret is no longer my own.

I've also sought out a second therapist that is Mormon, but who is on the same page with me as far as the likelihood one can change one's sexuality. And I'm working toward re-engaging my wife in this discussion. MohoHawaii is correct here as well: I need to know if she is ok living an emotionally vacant marriage. And while she may say that she is at the outset, that could well change as I work through this over the next several years.

When we discussed this several years ago, she was loving and supportive, but then I was still describing my feelings as same gender attraction. Which is very different from saying, I love you, but I can't love you in all the ways you deserve, and probably never will. Oh, and I'm gay, not simply "suffering from SGA [same-gender attraction]” …

Trev - you noted that I don't sound happy now. And as I replied earlier, I'm not. But there are many factors involved. Prior to reaching the tipping point, my unhappiness was caused by my anger at God for not taking away this SGA, for not changing me, and at myself due to my inability to live a good enough life to make this go away and for never coming to terms with my sexuality or acknowledging my true nature before burdening my wife and children with this dilemma. Now, I reject these ideas and accept that my sexuality will not change, but the guilt related to what I've done to my wife remains. And my angst now is related to the uncertainties that lie ahead. It's extremely difficult to give up on the future I always thought I would have.

Don - your words are appreciated, "You are of no use to those around you if you are suffocating. There's lots of air available, all you have to do is breathe." I agree. Until I am open with my wife about everything that is happening, determining whether I can be authentic with my family and also be happy is an unknown. For now, I'm trying take this one step at a time while I figure out what my true nature is and whether this acknowledgment changes the feelings I have for my wife. 

Joe Conflict - I've read your blog from beginning to end and it was a great help. I agree with your advice to Trev. Before giving a MOM a try, I would suggest that Trev be true to his nature and explore a same orientation marriage/relationship. Maybe that's easy for me to say, but I believe my choices would have been very different if I was trying to figure out my sexuality in today's environment.

Beck - I've also read your blog from beginning to end. And I appreciate your comments, including "It takes a lot of work, and some serious sacrifice on both parts, but it is possible. Communication is the key." Time will tell if communication helps in my case. Honest is certainly a necessary element to moving forward. My own self-deception has played an important role in the emotional roller coaster I've been on. And dishonesty is a skill I've mastered by living this lie for so long.

Trey - generally I relate to your martyr comment. Being in the marriage, but not being present, is no longer working. My advice to others is to meet this head-on by first exploring "the depths" as Invictus advised me, and then figure out which direction to take. Living in denial and in hiding hasn't solved anything for me.

Alex - you have captured the essence of my situation - "You feel at peace for the first time with yourself because you can accept something that you’ve been trying to change and fight for years. But it scares you because you don’t know what that means for your future, for your marriage." 

And until I reached this point, I didn't understand the dimension of emotional love that is missing. As you point out, it's not confined by the generic "same gender attraction" term, it is my sexual identity, which is part of me, it's who I am. 

At the same time, accepting my true identity makes me want to live in harmony with my identity, right NOW. But as you noted, everyone must find the path that is correct for them. And I won't know what that means for some time - I want to remain married, but my/our goals may change as we work through this. 

It's difficult to consider living differently than I envisioned. And just to beat Dan's analogy to death, "There's lots of air available, all you have to do is breathe" -- after holding my breath and hiding for many years, breathing doesn't come naturally or quickly. So, here's to learning to breathe …

Geckoman and Mister Curie - thanks for adding your experience. This weekend has been rough, but I'm more hopeful than I've been in a long time. On Sunday, the sacrament speakers both discussed the importance of following the guidance of the prophets/apostles, with the promise of being protected from harm. I couldn't hold back the tears as I thought, "that hasn't been my experience." On the way home from church I lost it, and I finally told my wife that I've been depressed for months, as well as the things I've discussed here. We've been talking since yesterday. A song by NewRepublic entitled, Giving my Secrets Away, captures how I feel. Carrying this secret has made this much more painful and lonely. But I feel more hopeful as I face this head on, instead of hiding.

Thanks for weighing in on this post. In the last couple months, I starting telling my wife about everything I've been feeling as well as my therapy sessions. We have both attended a couple sessions together and we're talking about all the questions I've avoided for many years. We're working through everything and although I still feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotion, I believe I'm headed in the right direction. In fact, through this work, the source of the emptiness and loneliness I described in this post is now clear to me. Because it abated for a time and then returned during a discussion that brought back the sadness I've felt in the past when I think about what my choices have done to my wife. And as we continue to talk, things continue to get better. Our emotional connection is now better than it's ever been. And I don't want to throw away all the good things in my life because of this one aspect that I find difficult.

Thanks for the positive feedback.

- Dave

Mixed-Orientation Marriages: Responses to Dave - Part 2

This post is a continuation of comments that were posted regarding this post.

Ben 

Word of caution: I am writing my response in a fairly straightforward way (not that kind of straight). Truly my comments are meant to add to the thought process and not add to any of the stress or pain. I do come from a loving and caring place with these words. 

MoHoHawaii has relayed many of my feelings. I have to reiterate the view of the other side that has been presented. Think of what this does to the hetero partner in a MoM. Is it fair to them? Do you hope or feel that it is acceptable for your children to grow up and find a partner that "struggles" and can't be as loving and intimate as someone who is attracted to them? Would any of us dream of seeing our children "endure" in a MoM? Even if your children find a partner of the opposite sex, does your marriage and lack of intimacy provide an adequate example of what a loving heterosexual marriage looks like? The fact is that many of our children look to our relationships as example of what theirs should be. Are you in a place that you feel your example is a good one? Just as you deserve to find a man that you can feel emotionally and physically intimate with wholly, so does your wife.

I do have one particular concern in Dave's letter that has gnawed at me more and more lately: happiness and coming out because of the belief that we can finally find a man to share our lives with.

I don't mean to sound cynical and I come at this from a place of hope and love. I know I was there at one time and I know it is common desire, but coming out is not about finding a man to share your life with. (I'm speaking more generally to the audience, not pointing you out specifically Dave). Coming out is about being honest to yourself and others. It is about authenticity and allowing yourself to be fully human, fully who you are.

There are many that find true, intimate, spiritual, emotional love with a man after coming out. That is icing on the cake. The cake is still delicious without the icing though.

I am not trying to dash anyone’s hope for a Prince Charming. I'm very much a hopeless romantic and really hope "someday my prince will come" [and he since has]. However, when he does show up, I need to be his prince as well. I need to be stable and secure with myself. I recently broke up from a nearly year-long relationship with a man (my first). It didn't bring me the happiness I had hoped for. In fact, I found myself replaying many of the mistakes of my marriage. Old habits that haven’t died off yet; one of which was that of the emotional martyr: giving up myself to provide happiness to their wishes. Today, I am happily single and my coming out is about me. It may sound selfish, but you need to be in order to be in a place that you are a "prince" to someone else. You must love yourself before you can love anyone else. I do believe that to be true. 

Ultimately I would love to find my prince one day. I hope we all find our princes. In reality that doesn't always happen. Also in reality though, many find the freedom in being true to oneself to be sufficient to justify their coming out. Many find the security of being authentic to be sufficient to find true happiness. 

Don’t come out because you feel another human being can bring fulfillment to your life. It can add to your happiness, but cannot create it. You, as well as many, many others have already tried that through MOM. We expected that this person we married would make things “all better.” The reality is that only we can make ourselves “all better.”

Dave, as well as to all, best wishes on your journey. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share your path with us. Here’s to happiness!

Alex

Dave, I can totally relate to what you’re going through. You feel at peace for the first time with yourself because you can accept something that you’ve been trying to change and fight for years. But it scares you because you don’t know what that means for your future, for your marriage. 

Like you, I spent some time with Evergreen. I went to the conferences, read their books, went through the manual, all the time believing that if I just prayed long enough, worked through enough, I could “diminish” my feelings of same sex attraction. 

I don’t have a condition called “Same sex attraction.” I’m gay. I’m homosexually oriented. And what that means is not just that I have a sexual attraction that I have to keep in check, but that I want to be emotionally and physically intimate with a man. If you know what orientation is, you realize you want fulfillment.

I’ve been married three years. Not as long as you, I don’t have kids. So I can’t tell you what to do. But I don’t feel emotionally fulfilled from intimacy. I thought for a long time it could be for some other reason. But the simplest explanation is it’s because I’m gay. I was too afraid to face up to that. I told my wife in December that I was gay and I didn’t think that was going to change. I told her I was afraid to go to counseling because of what they would tell me.

I got over that and I went. They didn’t force me to do anything, but I found that as I honestly and openly talked about it for the first time (that had never happened with the LDS therapists I met with when I was first understanding my sexuality) I discovered a lot of things. They didn’t tell me that I should get divorced. They didn’t tell me I should go “live a gay lifestyle.” But they did help me discover that as I accepted myself and stopped hating myself, I’d be happier.

So what does that mean for my future (And yours)? I don’t know exactly. But I think you can relate.

It’s been a hard process talking to my wife. Having to go back and tell her that I don't fill emotionally fulfilled by sexual intimacy with her. Having to explain that the attraction I feel for her isn’t the same as the attraction I feel for men. It hurts me and her. But do you think your wife doesn’t know, that she can’t tell? She may or may not be aware, but when you emotionally withdraw during sex, your wife knows, at least on some level. And she asks herself if she’s doing something wrong. And she asks herself if she just isn’t pretty enough. And a lot of things.

As I opened up to her, she opened up to me. I’ve been withdrawn from my marriage. I haven’t put myself into the relationship like she has. I realize what I’ve put her through. My wife has been suffering from this. Telling her didn’t necessarily make it worse. It just helped me open my eyes to the reality of my situation. I thought that could change. But I really feel that with the lack of emotional intimacy that should come with physical intimacy, that it’s probably not going to change. And why should she or I accept anything less than a true marriage?

We’re getting divorced. We just made the decision this week. I’m glad it was our decision, and not just mine. But honestly, my wife and I do love each other. It’s just for me more of a friendship love than a romantic love. I get along so well with my wife. We’re great roommates. It scares me to lose that. But I have to let her move on. And I need the freedom to be myself. Neither of us should settle for less than what could be. 

I could write you a novel. But my best advice is that you are too afraid of where your journey might lead you to explore your options (in thought experiments at least, I’m not saying to go cheat on your wife) then you won’t ever get to where you want to be. All of our circumstances are different. If you are going to make it work with your wife, then you are going to have to face this together. It may be that with kids, you choose to stay together longer. I could stay married to my wife. But neither of us could have the happiness that we deserve in this relationship. 

You’re going to have to make the choice. I don’t think you are ready yet. But keeping asking questions. Keep praying, and God will guide you. I think that Ben gave you (and me indirectly) some really good advice. If you do find a relationship with a man, don’t expect that alone to make you happy. I don’t think I can find happiness just in being in a relationship with a man. It doesn’t work like that. I think that someday, yes, that will bring me happiness. But I have to come out for me. I have to be together before I can give myself to another person.

I’m not getting divorced so I can go be with a man. I’m getting divorced because I realize that we can’t make our marriage work. Living together as roommates, best friends, sure. But marriage? No way.

GeckoMan

I'm perhaps one of the more happy survivors of mixed orientation marriage in the Mohosphere. Recently I celebrated with my wife our 33rd anniversary. We have three lovely daughters who are now mostly grown up and out of the house. There have been many past years where I would/could not have used the term 'celebrate.' I'm one of those guys who has 'stuck with it' and hopes to continue in happiness, acknowledging that with MoMs, as with many aspects of life, "it is by grace we are saved, after all we can do."

It seems like there are few of us mostly happily married Mohos out there, if you look at the blogs. But I suspect a majority of gay guys in this church are not blogging or talking about their experience in Priesthood meeting. I think most of 30+ year old active/attending gay LDS men in the church are not single, but are 'struggling' with their MoMs, trying to evolve to a place of happiness and fulfillment within their families. Certainly much of the same could be said for straight marriages as well.

My MoM journey has changed me in critical ways--my faith no longer accepts everything the church says as Gospel. My personal evolution brings me to greater empathy and activism for gay people, even as I realize that I have a marriage of substance and worth. I haven't 'chosen' to be gay, rather, I've 'chosen' a heterosexual relationship that I have invested my life in, that I now choose to continue. My wife has grown up with me, is open-minded on gay issues, loving and supportive of my differences, and is willing to go with me so long as I am faithful to her. That's a negotiated bargain I'm happy with.

So what could I possibly tell you that hasn't already been said? There are many wonderful comments here--I especially agree with MohoHawaii that honestly coming out to yourself and spouse is the vital starting place. Also that you have to give yourself permission to end the marriage as a possible option. Not until I did that could I let go of the feelings I harbored of resentment or being stuck in unhappiness. 

Also realize that this isn't just about you and your feelings--perhaps your wife has more of a say in continuing your marriage than you really do. Deciding together what you can live with AND what you can live without, will help you both to determine your commitment to each other. In many ways, kindness and respect are what we really need, along with honesty. If you can both honor and do that, then perhaps there's a chance that passion and devotion will persevere.

Finally, there is a spiritual aspect to all relationships, especially those founded in sacred covenants. I lost that spiritual base for a while, thinking that it had died along with my passion for her. That spiritual death was partly due to the shame and guilt I felt about my natural attractions. I sucked in all the crap-mingled-with-scripture that LDS homophobic culture has created, and ultimately believed I was unworthy of any cure. It's hard to feel the Spirit when you believe God's acceptance and support is conditioned upon 'obedience' to a list of church rules. 

I decided to be obedient to the Savior's priorities, which I found in the scriptures. In doing this I came to realize the great and complete love that Father and Christ indeed have for me. I let go of my self-hate and self-pity, and then rejoiced in the truth of their unconditional love for me. I know that love is real. Let it fill your life, influencing how you treat others, especially your wife. (Whether or not you choose to stay together.) 

Steve

I just saw a link to this post in another's blog. Hence the incredibly late response time. I'm Bravone or Steve & my blog is luckynowandthen.blogspot.com. Like Beck and GeckoMan, my wife and I are in the category of a happy, although not perfect, enduring MOM. We will celebrate our 26th anniversary in a few weeks. For most of our marriage, I held everything inside, not even admitting to myself the huge role being gay plays in my life. Living in denial and despair lead to many unhealthy and unhappy decisions in my life. I eventually lost all belief in God and violated my marital covenants. 

To make a long story short, when I lay as a broken man, all my secrets fully exposed to the Light, healing began. The road home has been rough at times, mainly with issues of faith. However, it has also been a deeply sacred experience for me, and only strengthened my relationship with my wife. 

I have written extensively about my thoughts and experiences, so won't belabor the point here. I do agree with many of the comments given relating to the importance of self-care, transparency with spouse, acceptance of self, joint journey with spouse, etc. 

My journey of striving to live authentically as a gay Mormon married man has softened my heart, humbled me, increased my awareness of others, and made me much less judgmental of others.

We are all different in so many ways that I can't pretend that my path will necessary work for others, but I do want to go on record saying that mixed orientation marriages cannot only survive, but can also thrive. I have asked myself the questions you now ask, and, at the end of the day, have decided that my maximum happiness comes through my marriage, faith, and family. 

Mixed-Orientation Marriages: Responses to Dave (1)

Yesterday, I published a post about "Dave," a middle-aged gay Mormon man attempting to navigate issues of faith, marriage and sexuality. In the original post, I asked readers to provide comments in response to three questions:

- Will being honest about his sexuality with himself and others lead to happiness?

- Is it possible to live in a heterosexual marriage if one is gay or bisexual and be happy?

- If you were in his situation, what would you do (keeping in mind that there are obviously dozens of factors of which we are unaware and that each and every mixed-orientation marriage has its own unique dynamics)?

Thirty comments were left to the post. Below are responses from Trev, Don, Keith, Joe Conflict, Beck, MoHoHawaii and Trey Adams. Additional comments will be presented in a subsequent post.

Trev 

I'm not in a MoM [mixed-orientation marriage], but I relate to the dilemma because I feel like I'm facing the same questions just at a different stage of life. I'm not married. I always wanted to be married to a woman but was terrified of ever letting myself be romantically involved with anyone of either gender because I'm afraid of "discovering" that I am, in fact, totally gay and there's no hope for what I thought was my dream. Being back from a mission for a couple years and finally realizing that I *cannot* accept a life of celibacy, I'm realizing I have to at least open my mind to the possibility of what were, in the past, "alternate paths," and so I feel I face the same questions as this dear contributor, but the stakes are what I might lose in the future rather than in his case what he's worried he might lose that he already has.

- Will being honest about his sexuality with himself and others lead to happiness?

Not necessarily. Happiness is contingent on more than "openness." However, it may be a necessary step to happiness. It sounds like he may not be happy now (though only he can say for sure), which would indicate to me that it being more open is probably a necessary precondition for future *opportunities* for happiness (though I stress it won't automatically lead to it).

- Is it possible to live in a heterosexual marriage if one is gay or bisexual and be happy?

Yes. Everyone is so different. This question seems to want to take accountability and put it elsewhere (which is definitely what I do on my "journey", too, of which I think my voracious reading of Moho blogs is a symptom). Will it be possible for him? Only he and his wife can say.

- If you were in his situation, what would you do (keeping in mind that there are obviously dozens of factors of which we are unaware and that each and every mixed-orientation marriage has its own unique dynamics)?

I feel like I am in his situation; it’s just from a different vantage point. Should I pursue my own MoM, or should I give up now before trying? Thus, reflecting exactly where I am in my parallel journey (with different stakes and at a different life stage), if I were him I would do what I am trying to do now: in that I’ve discovered my current approach has not brought happiness, I have to consider other possibilities. Only by being honest with myself can I even recognize the path(s) that will allow me to be happy. 

I would be very frank with my wife about exactly what I’m thinking and how I feel about things so that she can be aware and go along [the journey] with me, rather than one day suddenly be shocked. I’ve recently realized that I am putting strain on my relationship with my parents just by not talking to them about homosexuality more because they assume they know what I’m feeling, and I assume they know, and then I’ll come out with some idea or choice that will throw them into crisis mode. I imagine for a spouse it’s even more important to maintain constant openness otherwise you really will not feel close when such a big part of your person can’t be shared. If I or my spouse could not handle that, then I don’t think happiness would be possible in that situation.

Don

I've seen many gay men leave their religion and marriages and find happiness but I've never seen gay men find real peace and happiness in a MoM or in a religion that doesn't fully support their natural state of being. Religion and fear seem to be the drug of choice and those who give advice to continue on that path are enablers. Misery loves company. The real truth is all of this can just go away. It happens every day. Men choose to step out of their old way of life that was never really working and into a new life of self-acceptance. To think that the best thing for your wife and kids is an unhappy, unauthentic father is delusional. When the plane is going down put on your own oxygen mask first and then help others. You are of no use to those around you if you are suffocating. There's lots of air available, all you have to do is breath.

Keith

I have to admit, being honest about my sexuality has made me really happy. I am currently single, though, so I don't have all the complication of a marriage that you have. But, when I came out on Facebook I felt free, in a way. I no longer have to hide who I am from myself or anyone else. It's like I can finally invite people into my life and let them get to know me--the real me. 

I plan to find a man that I can be with, share my life with, and commit to. (Obviously I'll have to leave the Church, since I don't imagine that we'd be happy together without being intimate.) I just had my recommend taken away, even though I feel like it was unjust because all I've done so far is make out, and that [losing my recommend] wasn't as devastating as I thought it would be. 

Whether coming out will make you personally happy, I could not say, but I would recommend it. Clearly, it seems as though starting along that path will eventually lead to you leaving your wife and finding a man. But, maybe not. There are several others in your situation that are still committed to staying with their wife [and she with him]. The only advice I would give is to start feeling emotions again, and then to be true to yourself. If you feel that staying with your wife is being true to yourself, then do it.

Joe Conflict

I was in a MOM for 13 years. The minute she found out I was gay it was over. Just took another 15 months to wrap up. Trev has to remember what this does to the other half. If they don't know about the gayness they are being deceived. If they do know, it is self-deception. Likelihood of success is low. I will never do it again. I have met so many guys like me who bet their lives on it. Most of the time they lose the bet.

Beck

I believe it is possible to find a balance and a real sense of happiness in a MoM. It takes a lot of work, and some serious sacrifice on both parts, but it is possible. Communication is the key. I'm slow at learning that lesson, but it is amazing to see now, as I come out to two of my kids, that my wife's solidarity with me, and not against me, is coming through and paying off.

Is there that deep passion that dreams are made of? Maybe not, probably not, but there is commitment, companionship, and a deep relationship that is centered on love. 

Some days I wonder if I will ever know that passion of dreams, but what I do have is still worth it.

MoHoHawaii

“[My therapist] suggested that being honest about my sexuality with myself and others is a first step. But will that lead to happiness? ... Will accepting my sexuality and being honest with myself and others be enough to fill the gaping hole in my chest?”

Coming out to yourself and those closest to you is only a first step. By itself, it may not make you feel better, but it can be the beginning of a longer process that may result in significant life improvements.

As you mentioned, coming out is scary. It has ramifications. It may introduce changes in some significant relationships in your life, including your marriage. If you're ready to start this journey, give it a go. If you need more time, then wait.

- Do you think it's possible to live in a heterosexual marriage if one is gay or bisexual and be happy?

It depends on "how gay" you are. A minority of gay people appears to be capable of relating romantically with a person of their non-preferred sex. These folks are capable of maintaining acceptable opposite-sex marriages and making the necessary compromises. For the rest of us, an acceptable level of satisfaction in a mixed-orientation marriage is just not possible. 

However, the statistics no matter how dismal aren't really relevant to any individual case. The relevant question here is where you fall on the Kinsey scale, from super straight to super gay. The fact that you are 14 years into a relationship and still feel a severe inability to achieve a passionate emotional connection with your spouse could be seen as evidence that you're more on the gay side of this continuum.

People on the outside can't really advise you here. You need to look into your own heart and decide if you can continue along your current path, or if real change is needed. 

- I know this is different for everyone, but if you were in this situation, do you think you would choose to stay?

I do think you might be happier if you entertained the possibility in your mind that you might end your marriage. What this thought experiment does is help reduce any feelings that you are trapped in your situation. It's one thing to choose to stay in a marriage because of various practical reasons; it's another thing to feel trapped and hopeless in such a situation. Staying married should be something that you actively choose, not something that's forced on you.

If you seriously gave yourself permission to get divorced and considered it as a real possibility, you might still choose to stay married. I think the fear of divorce causes a lot of stress that can be alleviated by simply admitting that it's one of the real possibilities and then starting to work systematically on the underlying issues.

“One big question in my mind is whether I'll be any happier if I leave and seek a male mate? Will the possibility of finding happiness be worth leaving my wife and kids behind?”

You could also ask the question of whether your wife might be happier if she had the opportunity to find a heterosexual partner in the future? Would your kids benefit if you could relate to them from a place of happiness instead of despair? These kinds of situations involve the needs of lots of people. I'm guessing that the unhappiness in your household is not limited just to you.

Not to plug the institution of divorce, but just because you have a bad marriage doesn't mean you can't have a good divorce that includes respect, affection and a significant improvement in the outcomes of everyone involved.

Talking with others who are or have been in similar situations can help. I'm glad you reached out on Invictus's blog. Maybe you can meet some of these folks in person and continue the discussion.

Trey Adams

I would like to throw in a couple of cents.

1. Will being honest about his sexuality with himself and others lead to happiness?

I say: perhaps. I believe Abe Lincoln was mostly right when he said something to the effect that a person will be about as happy as he makes up his mind to be. You may not be “happy” in the sense that you will feel elation, etc, but if your experience is anything like mine, you may experience a very satisfying feeling of peace and rest from inner turmoil. I also believe you may experience a rewarding sense of well-being that you long for but haven’t felt.

2. Is it possible to live in a heterosexual marriage if one is gay or bisexual and be happy?

Of course it is possible but possibly very difficult depending on your marriage relationship, your nature, your priorities and needs, and what you value.

3. If you were in his situation, what would you do (keeping in mind that there are obviously dozens of factors of which we are unaware and that each and every mixed-orientation marriage has its own unique dynamics)?

I would search within and decide what is most important in life, realizing that my decision (either way) may not lead to happiness, per se. In my case, to remain was to die – literally. I would have simply become a martyr and would have been of no value to my family.

Am I happy now? I am at peace; I love life again; I am no longer afraid; I have a wonderful man to share life with and to love, one who also loves me. If that is happiness, then yes, I am happy.

Mixed-Orientation Marriages: The Gaping Hole In My Chest

Today’s post contains the words of “Dave,” yet another gay Mormon in a mixed-orientation marriage (MoM). The post was originally published on my Invictus Pilgrim blog three years ago (can it possibly be that long?). 

“I've been reading your blog with great interest, but to be honest, it scares the hell out of me. One reason for my fear is related to the progression that many MoHo [Mormon Homosexual] blogs take. I began reading your blog and Joe Conflict's blog by starting at the beginning. Reading about other MoHos' journeys is scary because I'm at the first stages of this journey, and I see where many others end up (a place I've denied as a possibility because my life is spent in denial in order not to hurt my spouse and young children).

“Like many other men who grew up in religious households, I didn't come to terms with my attraction to men until well after I was married. I've spent years in the cycle of self-hatred caused by the mistaken belief that these attractions could be overcome with faith, diligence, obedience, etc. But several events caused me to say enough is enough. Nothing has changed my attraction to men and I'm no longer going to deny it or feel bad for having these feelings. I choose to accept my sexuality as it is.

“But I don't know what that means for the future. And although my initial decision to accept my sexuality was a relief, I now fear what comes next. But I know I can't live with this pain and sadness any longer. The emptiness I feel is often overwhelming and I can't imagine that my sadness is not affecting all the people I hope to protect by living in denial ...

“Several months ago, my wife was out of town and I watched the Prop  8 documentary. I knew it would be biased, but what struck me more than anything was seeing two Mormon men who love each other, but whose love is repudiated by the Church and its teachings. I spent several days thereafter looking at blogs about gay Mormons, including listening to the three-hour interview on Mormon Stories that details one man's therapy journey, as interviewed by his former therapist. For the first time, I heard someone else describe the feelings I feel, and which you described today on your blog - a longing to fill the emptiness inside me that is far beyond a sexual attraction or a visual attraction to men.

“As a result, I chose to stop spending my free time surfing porn, but rather to address these feelings head-on. I also re-read conference talks about homosexuality and listened to the church leaders state that they don't ask anything of gay members that isn't expected of single members. ‘That’s not true!’, my soul cried out. ‘The Church asks its gay members to accept a hopeless future. No hope of dating someone they're attracted to, no hope of marrying someone they have a natural attraction to, not even the notion of seeking such a relationship or the basic things non-married hetero members are encouraged to do.’

“With these feelings and reactions raging, my wife returned from her trip, and although I'm sure she could tell I was deeply depressed, she didn't ask any questions. (By now we're both good at denial).  You see, I told my wife about five years ago about my attraction to men. I talked to my bishop and sought counseling thru LDS social services - but I didn't continue therapy long before deciding that it was a waste of time to listen to a social worker push the church and Evergreen's theories about causes of homosexuality and cures. I also told myself that I could ignore these feelings, and if able to control my desire to view porn, the feelings would go away. Of course they didn't.

“Last month, I decided that I needed to seek professional help from a therapist with experience in this area, and chose a non-Mormon therapist. So far, it's going ok, but slowly. I haven't told my wife that I'm meeting with a therapist - mostly because I'm avoiding all the issues this will raise. My commitment to her for the last 14 years has been chaste - I have never cheated in any way, with the exception of consistent pornography issues. (Oddly enough when I decided to face this situation head-on, my desire to view porn vanished).  At the same time, I'm worried that exploring my sexuality raises so many questions. I don't want to hurt her and I do love her and our children. I don't want her to doubt my love. I don't want her to worry that I will leave. I don't want our children to grow up with divorced parents. But based on the blogs I've read, I can't guarantee that our separation isn't a possibility.

“So, a couple of questions - I told my therapist that I want to know if there is a way to be happy but stay married. He suggested that being honest about my sexuality with myself and others is a first step. But will that lead to happiness? Right now, I'm on the edge of crying very often. I'm just trying to keep it together. Do you think it's possible to live in a heterosexual marriage if one is gay or bisexual and be happy?

“My marriage is fairly good; we are good friends, we don't fight much, we love each other, but the emotional love isn't there. We have a decent sex life, but it often feels like we're roommates. We rarely hug or kiss; I’m told that I give off a vibe that I don't want to be approached. I know this is different for everyone, but if you were in this situation, do you think you would choose to stay? One big question in my mind is whether I'll be any happier if I leave and seek a male mate? Will the possibility of finding happiness be worth leaving my wife and kids behind? Will accepting my sexuality and being honest with myself and others be enough to fill the gaping hole in my chest?”

When this post was originally published, I asked readers to support Dave by providing comments that addressed the following three questions:

- Will being honest about his sexuality with himself and others lead to happiness?

- Is it possible to live in a heterosexual marriage if one is gay or bisexual and be happy?

- If you were in his situation, what would you do (keeping in mind that there are obviously dozens of factors of which we are unaware and that each and every mixed-orientation marriage has its own unique dynamics)?

Over 30 comments were posted in reply. The next few posts will consist of commenters’ responses to these questions, as well as Dave’s replies.

Mixed Orientation Marriages: Hammering Away At Our Souls

“We hammered away at our souls, efforts made daily that did nothing 

to stem the flow of futility from our core desire to love and be loved.”

“I felt unauthentic, guilty, ashamed, broken. I wanted to be in love, but I wasn't.”

In December 2010, I published a series of posts on my old Invictus Pilgrim blog about mixed-orientation marriages, and I received a lot of comments and some emails from both older men who were in a mixed-orientation marriage (MOM) or were younger gay Mormon men who were considering marriage to a woman. What follows is an amalgamation of a post originally published on 18 December 2010 and comments I received on that post.

First came an e-mail from a young gay Mormon who didn’t think he should comment on the blog because he didn’t want to inject his comment into what he perceived to be a discussion among men in MOMs. After reading his e-mail, I wrote to him and told him that, quite to the contrary, I think this discussion is extremely relevant and important to young Mormon men who are perhaps considering the concept of marrying a woman, thinking that perhaps they could find a degree of happiness in such a marriage.

I Loved Her, But Wasn't "In Love" With Her

With his permission, I am quoting from this man’s comments:

“I've only dated one girl in my life, and we were together for about a year and a half … I was hoping desperately that one day I'd wake up and *click* I'd be in love. But that never happened. I loved her, but wasn't "in love" with her … 

“I guess the point in emailing you is to let you know how relevant the MOM discussion has been for me. In that relationship, I was determined to just make it work, because I'd never dated before, and didn't know what a relationship was like. I was disappointed because all I was ever told about how great relationships are seemed to be false. I felt unauthentic, guilty, ashamed, broken. I wanted to be in love, but I wasn't. My willpower to resist and maintain my identity was slowly sapped away. When we finally broke up, I was broke up, because my identity as a straight guy was shattered. She was the foundation of that facade. (Of course, that wasn't her intention, she just was.) 

“Every once in awhile, that little voice sneaks into my brain and tells me that I should give dating girls another try. I could make the relationship work, and eventually marry. It tells me I could be happy, and maybe I would for a short period of time. But I think what makes me gay is, not only am I attracted to men, but my long-term happiness can only be sustained by one. In short, I want to be happy, and I think God wants me to happy to. So will I ever get married to a woman? I don't think so.”

I Was Not Formed To Fit Inside Of a Proclamation

Another commenter, Martin, wrote of the struggles he had in his MOM, which ended in divorce:  “There was practically no opportunity to gain perspective, living behind the Zion Curtain (sorry, Utah County). The script screamed to us, over and over, of what we must look like. And so, we hammered away at our souls, efforts made daily that did nothing to stem the flow of futility from our core desire to love and be loved.” 

The following thoughts were expressed by Martin in one of his comments:

I Stand As a Witness

I was not formed

To fit inside of a proclamation.

Rather, I am an explanation point,

Waiting to be examined

In all my complexity.

Not as part of a myriad of rows

Of Dutch tulips stand I.

Rather as a wonder of God's creative juices,

Humiliated not by the consternation of man.

Humbled by my own contemplation:

That this creation

Can never be reformatted

Into the image of your Thou.

Instead, it is I who must remain.

Your thorn.

My identity.

His work.

And somewhere in that intersection

Lies a brave new friendship.

Love Is All I Need

Many gay Mormon men enter into a MOM thinking that “love is all I need,” thinking that if I just work away at this hard enough, if I am selfless enough, if I focus enough on my wife’s needs, I can make this work. But this is a fallacy. In my opinion, in many if not most instances, love will never be enough in such a marriage, and the end result of selfless devotion to a marriage that is doomed never to be truly fulfilled and fulfilling is the death of self (to one degree or another).

This is not to say that MOMs cannot “work.” As has been discussed this past week, each MOM is different and is the product of a number of different factors, including in no small part the willingness of the man to forego fulfillment a fundamental element of his nature and identity. I respect each gay man’s individual journey as he comes to terms with his MOM in a way that is authentic for him. 

However, it simply will not do to cast such a soul-wrenching process as a struggle between focusing on one’s own desires versus selfless dedication to the marriage. This facile paradigm is simply not applicable to the terribly complex dynamics of a mixed-orientation marriage and, in my view, does a disservice to the men who struggle daily with the issues that have been described over the past few days.

One commenter wrote, “When both partners are selflessly focused on each other, that's when marriages make it.” This is what we are taught in the Church. And there is some truth and validity in this statement – when it is applied to a straight marriage or even to a gay marriage. However, in the context of a mixed-orientation marriage, it is, to one degree or another, a death sentence; for this approach, this mantra, requires that both the husband and the wife kill part of themselves for the “greater good.” The marriage becomes a mutual suicide pact, rather than an agreement to affirm the best in each other and create something new and beautiful out of the freely-given contributions of each partner.

I will reiterate that I honor, understand and respect the views and comments of gay Mormon men who are committed to making their MOM work. But I think it is critically important that the issues involved in mixed-orientation marriages be faced and discussed critically, honestly and openly. And this process in part involves recognizing and rejecting fallacies that, while perhaps applicable to straight marriages, contribute to and mask the destructiveness of mixed-orientation marriages.

Silent Hammers of Decay

I close this post with another comment received from a middle-aged man who had been in a Mormon mixed-orientation marriage. 

“I felt the pathos in the words Martin wrote,“And so, we hammered away at our souls . . .,” myself having somehow survived the “flow of futility” for 32 years. It reminded me of a Hodgson’s poem: The Hammers.

Noise of hammers once I heard,

Many hammers, busy hammers,

Beating, shaping, night and day,

Shaping, beating dust and clay

To a palace; saw it reared;

Saw the hammers laid away.

And I listened, and I heard

Hammers beating, night and day,

In the palace newly reared,

Beating it to dust and clay:

Other hammers, muffled hammers,

Silent hammers of decay.

"In his La Commedia Divina, Dante wrote:

In the middle of the road of my life

I awoke in a dark wood

Where the true way was wholly lost

"I nearly waited too long to awaken. These silent hammers pounding away at my identity as I desperately tried to build from the “script” nearly destroyed me. And the specters of a life too-long-beaten down haunt me still a year-and-a-half after separating. Some days I have to fight very hard to dispel them. 

"I recommend a reading of Matthew Arnold’s The Buried Life. It is a bit long to include in this post in its entirety but I will end with these few lines and this advice: Don’t wait too long."

Fate, which foresaw

How frivolous a baby man would be--

By what distractions he would be possess'd,

How he would pour himself in every strife,

And well-nigh change his own identity--

That it might keep from his capricious play

His genuine self, and force him to obey

But they course on for ever unexpress'd.

And long we try in vain to speak and act

Our hidden self, and what we say and do

Is eloquent, is well--but 'tis not true!

The Toll: Inside a Mormon Mixed-Orientation Marriage

“Losing you [when you joined the church] was like a guillotine blade that beheaded the loving richness I had in my life.  [After you joined the church] I saw you withdraw from life. The relationship between your withdrawal from life and your involvement in the church appeared to be proportionally related: the more you became fervent about the church, the more withdrawn and less talkative and sadder you became. 

“It was surely due to the instinct for survival that you beheaded your true self, or tucked him away under the folds of your memory and heart. In order to survive and achieve a happy life that the church promised to be yours after so much trauma, guilt, shame and lack of love [in my childhood and youth], you had to get rid of your Self. As you couldn't actually kill that self, you had to pretend that it never existed.”

This post was originally published in the spring of 2011. I am re-publishing it now as the first of a series of posts about mixed-orientation marriages - posts that were originally made on my Invictus Pilgrim blog, which is now closed.

The above passage was written by my younger sister in the fall of 2010, shortly after I had begun the process of coming out. Her very astute perceptions about what happened to me when I converted to Mormonism as a young adult validated very strongly what I already knew. I sensed this even while on my mission, which I served after joining the LDS Church. But this realization was locked away a long time ago and frankly took a back seat to the consequences that flowed from my decision to reject my gayness and abandon much of my old self when I got married. 

I use the term “reject” deliberately. Paradoxically, it was on my mission that, for the first time in my life, I came the closest to truly accepting my gay identity and choosing to live life as a gay man. I also felt that, toward the end of my mission, I was starting to recover some of who I was before I joined the Church.

Then I came home and embarked upon an extremely tumultuous “courtship” with the woman who became my wife, whom I had met before leaving on my mission. One of the reasons for the tumult was my struggle over what to do with my life: gay or straight; active Mormon or leave the church; married or not married;; marry this woman or someone else?

Ultimately, I made my choice: heterosexual; married; this woman; Mormon. I knew I was gay; my wife knew (before our wedding) of my “struggles” involving “attraction to men.” However, in getting married (and buying into everything that went along with that) I felt that I was making the “righteous” choice, i.e., the choice sanctioned by God and his church. I would get married because it was the “right thing to do”; and, similarly, I felt I could reject my gayness and repress any homosexual inclinations because that, too, was the “right” thing to do. I had decided that I wanted to, and could be able to, function as a righteous heterosexual priesthood holder should.

I did not then realize the toll that this choice would exact upon me and – ultimately – upon my former wife as well as my children.

I use the word “toll” deliberately, in the sense of one of its definitions:  “a grievous or ruinous price.” Only after coming out, in hindsight and after finally accepting who I am, did I begin to understand the nature and extent of this price – the price I paid to deny and betray my true sexual identity, and the price I paid upon abandoning many aspects of my identity. 

In turning away from my true sexual identity, I think – subconsciously – that my gay self felt that it had been betrayed. It had emerged to some degree on my mission, but now it was to be repressed and discarded, not only temporarily, but forever.  But one cannot deny the essence of who one is and remain healthy, mentally, emotionally and even physically. Perhaps for a time; but not, I have learned, in the long run.

Though consciously I felt like I was willingly making this choice, it was only after coming out that I started to realize how deeply that betrayal of my gay self affected me subconsciously. It created a tension in the very core of my being that gradually built up resentment and anger, continually being added to and hardening like the dome on a volcano. In retrospect, I now clearly see the presence of constant pressure, which made day-to-day life a challenge, difficult, frustrating, void of happiness, full of stress. This pressure would also build up and erupt from time to time, expressing itself in anger that, combined with the after-effects of child abuse, made for a toxic mix.

The situation might have been different if I had not been on the “priesthood path” – if there had not this constant pressure to be a model husband, a model father, a model provider, and a model priesthood leader, i.e., if I had had just a little more freedom to be me. But I was determined to do everything expected of me, everything asked of me, in order to prove (to myself, ironically) that I could overcome my “same sex attraction” and be a “faithful” “worthy” priesthood holder, a successful Mormon husband and father. 

I became my own worst enemy.

As it was, my rejection of my gayness was virtually complete and total as I steered clear of any “distractions” (i.e., any situation that would in the remotest degree entice or tempt me to indulge to the slightest extent my gay self). Meanwhile, the subconscious pressure created by the truly existential bind I had put myself in manifested itself in migraine headaches, irritability and a general sense of deep unhappiness.

However, in addition to this “existential bind” resulting from a betrayal of my gay self, I now see that I also abandoned many other aspects of my identity at the time of my marriage. Because I felt the need to commit myself heart and soul to the marriage, I felt that I not only needed to repress the gay me, but I also had to abandon many other aspects of what had been my identity. 

Why? Because the old me – the one who loved music, drama, art, literature, history – was tainted with homosexuality. The presence of the old me would only have been an embarrassment; he would have been a third wheel in our marriage, out of place in the “new order of things.”

How a third wheel? Well, letting go of my old identity, I embraced a new one. My wife and I really had very few things in common; our interests are quite different, even divergent. The one thing we had in common when we got married was a belief that we were “supposed” to get married to each other, along with a belief that as long as we remained faithful in the church, everything would work out. 

The situation might have been different had my wife been interested in the same things I was, but she was not. If I had not been determined to do practically whatever it took to make my marriage a success (partly because of my parents’ failed marriage, but also to “overcome” the “gay factor”), if I had not had the specter of my homosexuality always in the background, then I never would have subjected myself to this abandonment of my old self.

I now realize the toll that this abandonment exacted. Subconsciously, it created another huge conflict that only added to the conflict I felt after betraying my gay self. 

Looking back on it, I can see how much I subconsciously raged against this abandonment. I had abandoned my “core,” but yet I raged against feeling that I had to adopt someone else’s core as my own. I raged against feeling like I had to be a certain way in order to be accepted, to be true to the path I had chosen. Yet I had to be accepted in order to fulfill the path I had chosen. It was a hopeless conflict that played itself out day after day, month after month, year after year, adding to my sense of unhappiness, alienation and lack of fulfillment, exacting a terrible toll.

Let me state plainly that I am not blaming my former wife for any of this. No. This was my problem, my fault. And I am not prepared to say that getting married was a mistake, nor am I saying that my marriage was all bad; far from it. And I certainly don't regret having my children. But, in terms of my identity, my psyche and, as a result, the mental and emotional health of me and my family and children – in terms of all this, my decision to get married took a dreadful toll.

So, where did I go upon coming to these realizations? Well, I began. I began by deciding to affirm my sexual identity instead of continuing to try to repress and deny it. 

I then began the process of trying to recover my identity – the person I was before my marriage, then the person I was before I joined the church, and – ultimately - the person I was or might have been, but for the abuse I suffered as a child. Next came the process of mourning and healing:  mourning lost opportunities, mourning unintended consequences of living a lie, mourning pain inflicted on others as well as self.  Then, hopefully, healing - which I am very thankful to say did come and continues to come.