Riding Solo

I rode my bike yesterday to my appointment with my counselor.  A first.  The first time I have gone on a ride by myself.  A big step.  

My counselor lives in the Avenues, which is an area north and east of downtown Salt Lake City.  It's about nine miles from our house to hers.  My route took me through some old established neighborhoods on the east side of Salt Lake, past the University of Utah, then up and over the Salt Lake City Cemetery.  As I rode, I was impressed again with the beauty of this city, a beauty of which I had largely been ignorant until recently.  Above the cemetery, I had panoramic views over not only the downtown area but the whole valley, views that were difficult to capture with a camera, but which nevertheless made an impression.

At my counselor's, we talked about recent events in my life, coming out to my younger children and my ex-wife's response.  I received some helpful advice and perspectives, then got on my bike and rode home.  As I rode, a thought occurred to me which helped me gain some needed perspective on the present situation involving me, my kids and my ex-wife.

The thought was this:  she had lots time with my children over the past 24+ years.  True, there was drudgery and the "inmate complex" of being trapped at home with the children.  Nevertheless, she was able to spend time with the kids and do fun things with them over this time period while I was in law school or working.  There were precious few moments where I could spend time with the kids doing something fun.

Now, however, and for the last period of months, I have been able to do things with the younger kids during my allotted time with them - the minimum statutory parent time allowances.  The thought that occurred to me as I was riding is that it is high time that I have time with my children to do something fun with them.  I have spent nigh on 25 years with my nose to the grindstone, and now I am able to take some time to do some things with my younger children, things I was never able to do with my older children.  And I'm not going to be made to feel guilty about this - either by myself or by others.  I have earned this time.  And I'm grateful for it.

The linden tree in the backyard yesterday morning as the sun was rising