IP Memoir: Divine Guidance and Karma

I'm working on a memoir of the year I came out. I wrote the following passage the other day after contemplating how fortunate I was in my early coming out process.

It’s funny: in retrospect, I look back on those early days of coming out and analogize them to when I was learning about and joining the Mormon Church 27-1/2 years earlier. Part of my “testimony” of the truthfulness of Mormonism had been based on the fact that the “Lord’s hand” did indeed seem to guide me during that period and seemed to have prepared me for the events to come. In fact, I used to say that mine was a “textbook conversion,” an example of how members of the Church could do missionary work the right way. I had been approached by a member who was my boss. She convinced me to take lessons from the fulltime missionaries and also introduced me to a family that would play a crucial role in the formative early days and weeks after I had been baptized. Then I had moved back to Ohio “under inspiration” where I participated in bringing three members of my family into the Church and where I met my future wife. It was an extraordinary conversion story.

All of this seemed to be by divine plan, and that’s what I fervently believed for the next 25+ years. But, in hindsight, I could say the same thing about my coming out process. The groundwork had been laid for several years as my marriage crumbled. It was then precipitated by a very powerful unforeseen event: Packer’s talk. I thereafter somehow found the courage not only to embrace my sexuality but also to move forward on a path that led out of the closet into an unknown future. Shortly afterward, Colin entered my life, then others followed. Through the instrumentality of my blog, I met people who introduced me to others who introduced me to others. I found the gay fathers group because it came to me, not because I had sought it out.

Today, I’m not much of a religious person. About the only thing that I definitely believe in is karma. I no longer believe that the Mormon God – a personal Heavenly Father of flesh and bones who, through the intercession of Jesus Christ (also a resurrected personage of flesh and bones) and the instrumentality of the Holy Ghost – actively intervened in my life to bring me into Mormonism nor that this God had prepared the way throughout my life to embrace the faith. But, I think it very well may have been my karma to follow that path so as to experience what I experienced over the next 28 years of my life. When it comes to the path on which I embarked upon coming out, however, I am confident that it was my karma to do so. That confidence, that faith, helped sustain me not only during the year of my coming out, but in the years that followed, and it sustains me now as I again face an unknown future.

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: Celibate

12/11/10: Email to a new cyber friend

“You and I got married at about the same age, I think; I am a little older than you. I was deeply in the closet, of course, and I think I really believed that marriage would “fix” me, or at least minimize the attractions I had felt. I was so “into” it that I had no same-sex crushes, attractions, friendships, anything at all, during all the years of our marriage ...

"As to my situation, yes, it is daunting. But I feel relatively peaceful about it. The reason? I know I cannot go on the way things were. I have no choice but to move forward and through whatever lies ahead … I also hope to continue to expand a “support” network, as you have suggested. I am grateful for guys like you who have reached out to me.

“I have been so far in the closet and so 'celibate' in terms of interactions with guys that I haven’t even had any male friends as long as we’ve been married. So even just establishing friendships is something that is going to take me out of the zone I’ve been in … I can already envision the kindness, acceptance and love that I will find amongst my gay brothers, just by tasting what I have been so freely offered by you and others. This, almost more than anything else, gives me hope for the future and offers a glimpse of what life can be like …"

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: Actively Creating My Own Life

12/11/10:

“Every day, I go home to my wife and family. Things are strained between my wife and me. I fully anticipate that our marriage is in its waning days. We can never go back to where we were. So the question becomes, where do we go from here? Where do I go from here? 

"I must take charge of my own life and forge a path instead of waiting for God to reveal a path, as I might have been inclined to do in the past. I must, from this point forward, actively create my own life, rather than surrender responsibility for it to God or to my wife or to anyone else."

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: The Other Side

12/9/10:

After I began the process of coming out, a number of songs I listened to took on different meanings for me as I related them to what I was going through. One such song was an Anne Murray ballad entitled, "The Other Side." It had meant a lot to me since I was first introduced to it in the late 90's.

"As I have faced personal, professional and family challenges since then," I wrote in a post on 9 December 2010, "I have received a lot of inspiration from these words." These challenges had included going back to law school for a year when I was 43 years old, studying for and passing the Utah Bar and adopting three Russian babies over the course of four years.

"Now that I have embarked on this new journey," I wrote,  "the lyrics have taken on additional meaning. I have prepared my very first video/slide show to present this song. I hope you like it, and that some of you may find the inspiration in this song that I have. (Lyrics below video)

The Other Side

Through each life time - run rivers to cross

What if there's no life line and you're sinking or lost?

Just believe in your direction,

Let your heart explore,

Cause you can't reach new horizons

Standing on the shore

There are mountains - we need to climb

But the mountains standing in the way 

are only in our minds

And the risk of going nowhere

Is the greatest risk of all,

So just listen to the voice that says

“I'll catch you if you fall.”

On the other side of doubt is faith

On the other side of pain lies strength

The journey may seem endless

And you know the road is rough

But on the other side of fear... is love

For such a long time I put my dreams aside

The tides of change felt dangerous

The mountains seemed too high …

But my dreams were slowly fading

As time went quickly by,

So I held me breath with every step

Never knowing I would find...

On the other side of doubt is faith

On the other side of pain lies strength

The journey may seem endless

And you know the road is rough

But on the other side of fear... is love

____________________

(I began the process of coming out in October 2010. I'm working on writing a memoir about the year following that coming out, and in order to help me stay on task, I've decided to publish this ongoing series of posts based primarily on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: You Are the Man You Were Created To Be

12/6/10: Comment left on my blog post about coming out to my older teenage daughter.

"What you just went through - coming out to your wife and to your daughter, but mostly coming out to yourself and becoming okay with the fact you're gay - should be met with the utmost level of self-respect, love and acceptance you can muster for yourself.  

"You've spent years and untold energy on trying to be someone else because of what you believed was the right course of action for you. And you learned, regardless of how hard you try, you are the man you were created to be and that man insists on being acknowledged and loved. He deserves to be happy, to feel transcendent love and to have a life that's integrated, not compartmentalized; that's actualized, not just pining away in another situation, wishing it were different ... 

"My ex-wife and I were married 19 years ... When we decided to separate, it was after a conversation that should've ended the marriage five years earlier, but "for the kids' sake" we hung in there, only to find our friendship disintegrate and a horrible "DADT" [Don't Ask, Don't Tell] policy implemented. Staying together after that conversation became really toxic for us. Thank heavens for a therapist who walked me through my "next steps" and helped me understand that the most loving, compassionate course of action was to divorce.  

"I can tell you that giving up my marriage and, quite honestly, leaving Mormonism took a lot of thought and courage, and not without some sense of loss, too.  

"But.  

"The life I live now is so much better and infinitely more honest and happier than what I had before. There isn't a day when I don't think how glad I am I made this decision and that I would never, ever go back to hiding, attending a church that doesn't allow me to be open about who I am and that I now have a church where I am not only accepted, but loved for exactly who I am." 

________________________

(I began the process of coming out in October 2010. I'm working on writing a memoir about the year following that coming out, and in order to help me stay on task, I've decided to publish this ongoing series of posts based primarily on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: A Love I'm Wired For

From an email written to a cyber friend (also in a mixed-orientation marriage) 12/7/10*:

“You wrote that you don't know what your future holds and that there are times you want a boy friend and a male connection so badly it hurts. I have felt and do feel the same way. I feel so much time has been lost in my life. I've had missed opportunities, and now that I've come to the point I'm at, I really want to experience what I was wired for. 

“I have to say I'm envious of you falling in love with that guy you told me about. I had infatuations before my marriage, but never a reciprocal relationship, nor a feeling of real love. But I could so relate to what you said about really falling in love for the first time. I have loved my wife, but it's never been a heart and soul thing. 

“At this point, I wonder if I'll ever experience that - a heart and soul love that I’m wired for. I think we as humans were meant to experience that, don't you? I mean, the path that people like you and me have had to walk, striving, always striving to do the "right thing," never experiencing real fulfillment of that aspect of ourselves … 

“Like you, I long for a relationship with a guy, to find some fulfillment of that huge part of myself that has been wandering in the wilderness for so long. I have been so far in the closet and so 'celibate' in terms of interactions with guys that I haven’t even had any male friends as long as we’ve been married. So even just establishing friendships is something that is going to take me out of the zone I’ve been in … 

"I can already envision the kindness, acceptance and love that I will find amongst my gay brothers, just by tasting what I have been so freely offered by you and others. This, almost more than anything else, gives me hope for the future and offers a glimpse of what life can be like … I've turned a corner and I will never go back to the way I was.”

_______________________

* This was written a week after my wife and I had decided to divorce and during a period in which I was starting to make cyber friendships with other gay Mormon men in mixed-orientation marriages.

I began the process of coming out in October 2010. I'm working on writing a memoir about the year following that coming out, and in order to help me stay on task, I've decided to publish this ongoing series of posts based primarily on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: Premises and Purposes

This is another Invictus Pilgrim Memoir post.* The following comes from a post I published on my Invictus Pilgrim blog on 12/4/10.

************

"There is an understandable tendency for persons who have been raised or otherwise steeped in the Mormon religion and culture, when coming to terms with their homosexuality, to operate based on certain premises and frameworks that are an intrinsic part of such persons’ worldview and mode of thinking. They are often not recognized until a detached observer reveals them for what they are. 

"There are many of such premises that could be discussed; I will mention only two. One of the most fundamental of these premises was referred to by commenter in response to my question of why God would “make” some people gay. He wrote that most Mormons have 'a relentless habit of ascribing everything in life, no matter how small or detailed, to divine intent, design or intervention.'  

"Such a framework, in the context of the origins of homosexuality, can lead to (among other things) an exhaustive and ultimately fruitless quest, once a Mormon has accepted that he is gay, to find some divine purpose in, and/or reason for, his homosexuality. This could be instructively compared to parents praying and agonizing over why a child with Down Syndrome was born to them; or to a person born with hemophilia, or diabetes, or any other genetic disease, seeking to understand the divine intent in “making” them born that way. I think I have learned that it is much healthier for me to simply accept the fact that I am gay and not assume that there is some grand purpose to this, or that God even made a conscious decision that I would be born gay. 

"Another premise that is woven into the very fabric of everything Mormon was pointed out by another commenter who illustrated his point with the story of how the ubiquitous Mormon CTR ['Chose the Right'] ring was adopted and how there was some discussion on the General Primary Board of using the phrase 'Choose Right' instead of 'Choose the Right.' Eventually, the word 'the' was kept because, in the words of a Board member, 'choosing right could mean many things, but choosing the right meant there was only one way.'

"This ‘only one way’ belief, which is one of the pillars of Mormon culture and theology, breeds smugness, narrow-mindedness and intolerance throughout the membership of the church, even (or especially) in the minds of people who have 'good hearts' but who are largely ignorant of just how smug, narrow-minded and intolerant they are. In the context of coming to terms with one’s homosexuality, one fights against this 'one way' mentality that is woven into, through and around us from the time of our infancy, and it often requires an enormous effort to recognize and reject this premise."

   

_________________________

* I began the process of coming out in October 2010. I'm working on writing a memoir about the year following that coming out, and in order to help me stay on task, I've decided to publish this ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: Praying the Gay Away

This is a continuation of the post from the day before yesterday. On 2 December 2010, I wrote a blog post about entries from my journal during the months leading up to my decision to marry my wife.

************

“When I came into the Church [one journal entry read], I thought for a long time that my very nature had changed by accepting the Gospel. I had convinced myself that I was really a great guy and everyone around me fed those feelings. I was such a “special,” “special” “golden” convert. I built myself up to the point where I felt that I was indeed special … I thought I couldn’t fall because my nature is good.  Well, I found out that I can fall …”

I thought that joining the Church would give me a highway out of homo hell. I basked in the love and acceptance I was given as a new convert and truly believed that I was a “golden boy” who would “go far” in the Church. Then, I got out on my mission and started hitting some pretty monumental gay speed bumps. By the end of it, I knew that I was still gay; or in my own words, I was “fallen” (and I didn’t even get to do anything).

I wrestled with what I should do about marrying this woman. On the one hand, I felt like marriage would be a mistake; on the other, I thought maybe this was how God was going to “cure” me, i.e., through the love of a good woman and my own dedication to following the “priesthood path.” In other words, “faith precedes the miracle,” and I would “receive no witness until after the trial of my faith.” 

“I am passing through hell, or so it feels like at times. I have never come so close to feeling that everything could be lost. I’m so very, very confused … The choices facing me are: (1) abandon the standards I have strived to maintain for almost three years, leading to a life of inactivity and possible excommunication, or (2) marry [my wife], or (3) ? … The time has come for me to accept my past and who I am. If I want to stay in the Church, then I’m going to have to make some compromises. I do want to stay in the church. I want to feel the power of the Atonement change my nature – but I know it can rarely be done overnight.”

You will note that I was considering life as a gay man. Again, I emphasized my need to accept the fact that I was (and always had been) attracted to men, but not so that I could affirm my gayness but as a prerequisite to “feel[ing] the power of the Atonement [as it] change[d] my nature.” 

In other words, I had swallowed the Church’s line: homosexuality was a choice, and I was being confronted with a choice. I could choose to accept the fact that I was gay, then “apply the Atonement” so that I could be changed/cleansed of this affliction; or I could choose to accept the fact that I was gay and choose to not put forth the effort to change, i.e., "give in" and live life as a gay man. Or I could try to asphyxiate my gayness and tell myself that I merely experienced an attraction to men which could be overcome through marriage and commitment to the priesthood path.

I opted for faith and asphyxiation.
__________________

(Note: I'm working on writing a memoir about the year I came out. In order to help me stay on task, I've decided to publish this ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: An Enemy to God

12/3/10:

"I used to write occasionally in my journal about my struggle with homosexuality. Primarily, this was during my mission and during the first few years of my marriage. Long ago, however, I went through and “sanitized” my journal, ripping out pages that contained these entries and destroying them. I didn’t want to leave any record behind that would indicate that I was a closet homo. [1] 

"I was therefore surprised, when upon recently reviewing my journal from the seven-month period between returning home from my mission and my marriage, I discovered several forthright entries that had escaped the purge. Though I wrote in euphemisms, it is clear what I was struggling with and the anguish I felt as I was trying to decide which path to take: marriage or a path that would likely lead to life as a gay man. Even though these things were written years ago, I found them hauntingly relevant to what I'm going through today as I am finally accepting who I am and facing the consequences of the choice I made to get married. 

"At one point during this period, I wrote in my journal: 'I am still dealing with a problem which has plagued me for some time – accepting myself as I am and acknowledging that I am sinful.' I was in Mosiah 3:19 territory [2]. I was telling myself that I needed to accept the fact that I was gay; but instead of affirming my homosexuality, I believed that homosexuality (a) was of the “natural man,” (b) made me an enemy of God, and (c) could be “cured” or, more appropriately, forgiven and washed away by the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  (The trick was to figure out how this was to be done.) In other words, I had to accept that I was gay before I had any hope of ceasing to be gay. 

"I continued writing: 'How proud I am! I have such a difficult time accepting that I may be (am) bad by nature. I wonder, “Why me?! Why I am this way? I know it’s wrong, but I’m that way by nature.” Why can’t I be like others who seem to have such an easy time with the commandments? It’s sometimes very easy for someone to say, “Repent!”; but it’s another thing entirely to deal with feelings, emotions and one’s very nature.'

"There’s a lot that could be said about the above passage. How dysfunctional, how warped was my thinking?! On the one hand, I thought that if I could just accept myself as by nature (i.e., inherently) bad because I was gay (which premise, you will notice, I accepted without question), then I could be changed. On the other hand, I nevertheless seemed to recognize that changing homosexuality was not a matter of repentance, but involved somehow being able to change one’s very nature."

To be continued ...

_________________________

[1] Mormons are encouraged to keep journals, but primarily for the benefit of future generations who, it is hoped, will find their forebears' efforts to overcome challenges faith-promoting.

[2] A well-known and well-used verse from the Book of Mormon that reads as follows: "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord ..."


(Note: I'm working on writing a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: "This Autumn Morning of My Human Experience"

12/2/10:

As I continued the process of coming out, I reviewed my journal from that period of my life when I last felt most alive: my mission (paradoxically). These entries, published in a post on 2 December 2010, came from the last few months of my mission in the southwest of France in the fall of 1985.

“This time which Heavenly Father has given us on this earth is so short, so precious. I rebel against all efforts to negate it, to minimize its importance, to abort our experiences, our search. I resist efforts to categorize, to methodize, to “planify”; in short to reduce this glorious learning experience called life to a psychological learning experience of instant rewards and gratification.  … So many LDS seem to regard the Gospel as so much of a Pavlov system of rewards and punishments. Motivation comes in this case as a salivating dog seeks his treat. Argh! Away with such behavior! We are not Pavlov’s dogs!  We are human beings, placed here by our Celestial Father in order to grow and gain experience ... 

“I see now how the Gospel was used by me as a badly-needed crutch when I first joined the Church. I needed the moral code [euphemistic reference to homosexuality], granted, but the Church offered me something I had been looking for, i.e., someone to tell me what to do in my life.  

“I am now ready to seek a more mature relationship with God. I feel its presence, this relationship, there in the fog. After having wandered in the night for awhile, the dawn is finally breaking. I can make out forms and images in the mist but they are still indiscernible. The light of personal awareness must burn these mists away until I can make my way towards those objects which are near to me. Perhaps it will be some time yet before the morning sun burns off all the fog, allowing me a clear perspective. Until that time, I shall enjoy the beauty of this autumn morning of my human experience and glory in the scenery around me with its haunting effects of light and dark, fact and fantasy, phantom and form, ever thankful for the opportunity to be here.”

(I'm working on a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.) 

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: More Realizations About Life in the Closet

In late November 2010, I wrote a blog post in which I shared seven lessons or realizations I had come to as I tried to make sense of the choices I had made in my life. Further to yesterday's post, here is the second (edited) part of that post:

"Third Lesson: Being married and having children forced out issues stemming back to childhood abuse and abandonment.

"I did not come to grips with my mother’s abuse and father’s abandonment until almost 10 years into my marriage. I had trained myself so well to absolve my parents of any guilt that it took an almost complete breakdown for me to finally see what for so long I had tried to hide from myself. I never would have reached that point, I don’t think, but for the fact that my 'buttons' were constantly being pushed, day in and day out, by the demands of marriage and parenthood. The situations I found myself in as an adult started the playing of 'tapes' from deep within me, ghostly situations from my own childhood that were buried so deeply in my subconscious that I could not recognize what was going on. This breakdown, along with the subsequent counseling I went through, helped me to crack – for the first time in my adult life – the false persona that had encased me for so many years.

"Fourth Lesson: Even though my false persona had finally been cracked, I continued to have low self-esteem and poor self-knowledge.

"For most of my marriage, I have been co-dependent on my wife. I felt like I needed her, and the thought of separation and divorce scared the hell out of me. I was willing to go to great lengths to preserve our marriage, and I did so. I was not emotionally healthy enough to assert myself, to feel good about myself as a heterosexual, let along as a homosexual.

"Fifth Lesson: The serious marital problems that my wife and I have had during the past several years prepared me for where I am today.

The problems that my wife and I have had in our marriage during the past several years forced me to confront half-hidden legacies from my dysfunctional childhood, to face some unpleasant things about both myself and my wife, to go through the counseling I have received, and to break out of co-dependent behavior. In the process, my knowledge of self greatly increased and my self-esteem was enhanced. I can clearly see that these challenges prepared the way for me to finally embrace my sexuality.

"A major turning point in this regard came this past summer when I had a sort of epiphany in which I suddenly realized that there could and would be life after divorce, if that is what it came to. In fact, life might even be better. This experience strengthened me and helped me to move past codependency. As my more recent therapist told me, 'You need to be a position where you can say to your wife, "I choose you – not because I need you, but because I want you."' My revelatory experience helped me to move past needing to choosing, thus preparing me for the possibility that my wife might not choose me or that, ultimately, I might not choose her.

"Sixth Lesson: My marriage has given me wonderful children.

"I am grateful for my children, and I am grateful that recent events in my life have helped me to see and relate to them in a healthier way. I know intuitively that my relationship with my children will continue to grow more authentic as I grow more authentic. For too long, our relationships have been governed by external mandates rather than internal, authentic love and caring. I have already worked to change that and will continue to do so.

"Seventh Lesson: Everything I have gone through in my life has prepared me for this season of my life.

"Because I know that I am gay, I suppose it is inevitable that I wonder what my life would have been like had I come out years ago, rather than now. I particularly regret the passage of my youth, masquerading as a heterosexual, hiding in fear behind a mask. However, wishing something “don’t make it so.”  And if I were to be honest with myself, as I have tried to be in what I’ve written above, I would admit that I was not in a position – emotionally, psychologically and religiously – to come out before this point in my life.

"So, even though a part of me mourns what might have been, an older, wiser part (not the emotional part, and definitely not the sexual part) of me tells me that I should be grateful for the years I spent in the closet. They prepared me, brought me to knowledge of myself, and gave me my children.

"For all of this, I am grateful. And as part of an ongoing effort to learn to love and forgive and accept myself, I must let go of the regrets, and go forward. I’m not so naïve as to think that this will not happen overnight.  But I have begun the journey."

(I'm working on a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: Realizations About Life in the Closet

In late November 2010, I wrote a blog post in which I shared seven lessons or realizations I had come to as I tried to make sense of the choices I had made in my life. Here is the first part of that post:

"I’m going to be honest. There is a part of me that deeply regrets not coming out before I was married, or at least not too far into my marriage. Let’s face it: it’s hard on the psyche to accuse oneself of a betrayal of a large swath of one’s adult life.

"As I have been contemplating this recently, I have thought back over the years of my marriage and tried to see and feel where I was at various points along the journey that has brought me to where I am today. As I have done so, seven “lessons” have come into my mind. 

"First lesson:  I wasn’t prepared to live life as a gay man when I decided to get married. 

"I was far too far into the closet and into my Mormon religion in order to take that step at that time. In addition, then was then and now is now. It was far safer to get married then. I didn’t really think of myself as “gay” then, just someone who was very attracted to men. Despite flirting with the idea of coming out of the closet while on my mission, I really had bought into the Church’s teaching that I could be happy living in a heterosexual marriage and that I could control my attraction and be a better person because of these choices.

"Second Lesson:  Though in a sense I was living a lie, I couldn’t see it at the time.

"Most of my life had been spent trying to please other people and to hide the real me (which was not limited to just the gay me). In a very real way, joining the Mormon Church facilitated this process (i.e., pleasing other people and hiding the real me) and gave me the ultimate reward for doing so: eternal salvation. So, psychologically, I had a vested interest in “toeing the line,” i.e., living the “priesthood path.”

"I also didn’t really know who I was. Again, I had spent so much of my life with my false persona, I actually thought my false persona was the real me. Though I had some moments of connection on my mission, I had grown and continued to grow so out of touch with my real self that I could not possibly have allowed myself to come out at that period in my life."

(I'm working on a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: Of Mirrors, Pathologies and False Personas

November 2010:

"Closely connected to my desire to affirm my gayness was a powerful need I felt to reclaim all those bits of me that I sensed were there, but were either lost to conscious knowledge or, because of shame and expedience, were so afraid to come out that I felt it would take a great deal of effort, affirmation and courage to reclaim them. 

"I had an existential moment during the week I came out to my wife that clearly showed to me just how out of touch with my Self I was. Someone asked me to compile a list of my 10 favorite movies, a seemingly simple task. However, as I started the process, I literally froze up as I realized that I had been in such pathological control of my false persona that I had not even allowed my real self to “like” anything (i.e., independent of the false persona’s needs). The result: not only was I not able to compile the list, but I was so overcome with fear and anxiety that I had to let go of this simple task, unable to complete it.

"This experience with fear and anxiety reminded me of a phenomenon that I lived with for most of my life prior to coming out: experiencing discomfort when I looked too long at my image in a mirror. If I forced myself to stare too long at my reflection, I would immediately feel a sense of intense discomfort arising within me like bile in my throat, and I would have to turn away. I can recall mentioning this to my dad when I was in third grade. He had taken me along for a drive to a nursery about 30 miles away, and on the way up, I asked him if he had ever experienced that feeling when looking in the mirror. I don’t recall his answer, and there probably wasn’t one."

(I'm working on a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: Betrayal of My Gay Self

11/15/2010:

"In turning away from my true sexual identity [upon joining the LDS Church and getting married], I think – subconsciously – that my gay self felt that it had been betrayed. It had emerged to some degree on my mission, but now it was to be repressed and discarded, not only temporarily, but forever. But one cannot deny the essence of who one is and remain healthy, mentally, emotionally and even physically. Perhaps for a time; but not over an extended period of time.

"Though consciously I felt like I was willingly making this choice, I have only recently begun to realize how deeply that betrayal of my gay self affected me subconsciously. It created a tension in the very core of my being that gradually built up resentment and anger, continually being added to and hardening like the dome on a volcano. In retrospect, I now clearly see the presence of constant pressure, which made day-to-day life a challenge, difficult, frustrating, void of happiness, full of stress. This pressure would also build up and erupt from time to time, expressing itself in anger that, combined with the after-effects of child abuse, made for a toxic mix."

(I'm working on a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: Ariadne's Thread

11/21/2010:

“For a very long time, my efforts to understand myself and what life was doing to me and I to it, seemed to be going nowhere. I went for counseling. I tried prayer. I tried meditation. I read self-help books …

“In all these efforts – which have been going on in one form or another for years – I felt like I was following pathways through a labyrinth, searching for the pathway that would ultimately lead me all the way to my center. … The problem was, I kept running into dead ends. Some of the pathways went on for quite awhile, but the result was inevitably the same:  dead end. I would then have to backtrack, looking for yet another path to try, hoping that it would lead to the center …

“This situation abruptly changed in early October, when I stood deep inside the labyrinth of my own persona, wondering which path would take me to my center.  Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, I was shown Ariadne’s thread. (In Greek mythology, Ariadne made Theseus a thread to take with him into the maze so he could find his way out after slaying the Minotaur.) As if by magic, a scarlet thread lying on the ground was revealed to me. I picked it up and started to follow it, but instead of leading out of the labyrinth, I soon realized it was leading directly to the center of the maze …

“After following false paths for years, hoping to make sense of my life and find happiness, I finally realized that my ‘Ariadne’s thread’ was my gayness. Accepting this reality about myself is leading me directly to my 'center.'"

(I'm working on a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: Pretending That It Never Existed

11/14/10
Excerpt, Letter from my sister:

“Losing you [when you joined the LDS Church] was like a guillotine blade that beheaded the loving richness I had in my life. [After you joined the church] I saw you withdraw from life. The relationship between your withdrawal from life and your involvement in the Church appeared to be proportionally related: the more you became fervent about the Church, the more withdrawn and less talkative and sadder you became.

“It was surely due to the instinct for survival that you beheaded your true self, or tucked him away under the folds of your memory and heart. In order to survive and achieve a happy life that the Church promised to be yours after so much trauma, guilt, shame and lack of love [in my childhood and youth], you had to get rid of your Self. As you couldn't actually kill that self, you had to pretend that it never existed.”

(I'm working on a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: "Because of Your Gayness, Not In Spite of It"

11/10/10: Emails to/from my "Gay Priesthood Leader"

ME:

"A verse from the Book of Mormon (of all things) came into my mind this morning as being extremely relevant – after being changed a being altered somewhat. I offer to you a middle-aged gay Mormon father’s version of Samuel the Lamanite’s declaration found in Helaman 13:38:

'But behold … the days of your youth are past; ye have procrastinated the day of your coming out until it is everlastingly too late; and your sorrow is made sure; yea, for ye have worked all the days of your life for that which was contrary to your nature; and ye have sought for happiness in being a heterosexual Mormon, and in all that this entails, which thing is contrary to your true nature.' [1]

"This is not intended to be maudlin, but I think you would agree that there is a significant amount of tragic truth in it."

HIM:

"I don't see your situation as a tragic. You are a bright, articulate and talented person. Whether you remain with your wife or eventually follow another path won't change the fact that your life is precious. Your spirit burns bright and comes across clearly in what you write. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you are of lesser worth. You are who you are because of your gayness, not in spite of it. It is part and parcel of your soul. You have every right to hold your head up high and look everyone you meet in the eye."

ME:

"I’m not ashamed to say my eyes watered as I read this. I’m simply not used to hearing or seeing such things said or written about me. I don’t think I’ve truly considered my life as being 'precious' for even one day of my life. Nor have I thought of my spirit as 'burning brightly.' And I certainly have never thought of myself, in a positive way, as being who I am because of my gayness. I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you to hear that I have, rather, always thought of myself as the hobbled, handicapped, deeply scarred person I am in spite of, among other things, my homosexuality. I hope – someday – to truly affirm my gayness as part and parcel of my soul, to embrace and love it – to love myself."


(I'm working on a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

_______________

[1] The actual verse: "But behold, your days of probation are past; ye have procrastinated the day of your salvation until it is everlastingly too late, and your destruction is made sure; yea, for ye have sought all the days of your lives for that which ye could not obtain; and ye have sought for happiness in doing iniquity, which thing is contrary to the nature of that righteousness which is in our great and Eternal Head."

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir Post: His Eyes

10/22/10:

"For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid to look another man – especially a good-looking one - in the eyes for fear of what he might see in mine. There was always the worry about whether they might see through my mask, whether they could tell I am attracted to men.

"The result? I have gone through my adult life not making any meaningful eye contact with men, lowering my eyes, avoiding eye contact, being ashamed, constantly on guard, feeling less of a man, less of a person. I am tired of feeling ashamed!  I hate how this has made me feel for longer than I want to think about."

11/12/10

"I have realized that not only have I spent my life avoiding eye contact with certain men because I was afraid of what they might see in my eyes, but also because I was afraid of what I might see in their eyes. I have, since puberty, been so paranoid, so afraid of being “recognized” and called out to any degree (even when it could have led to what I secretly desired), that I have studiously, assiduously avoided eye contact with many men for fear of what I might see in their eyes."

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir Post: "It's About Who I Am As a Human Being"

11/09/2010:

"Coming out to myself has been about embracing and affirming who I really am, then seeking to discover things about myself that have been smothered and hidden for most of my life. It’s about who I am as a human being – my identity. 

"But how does one go about recovering a sense of identity that was (i) hidden as a child because of child abuse, (ii) repressed further as an adolescent because of the discovery he is homosexual, (iii) largely (i.e., that which was left by this point) discarded and abandoned when he joined the church, and (iv) then further repressed and suppressed upon getting married?   

"I feel this is the challenge before me. Affirming my gayness is a huge step forward, and I am anxious to explore this new gay world that I never before had the courage to investigate. But closely connected to this 'coming out of the closet' is an effort to reclaim all those bits of me that I have sensed are there, but are either lost to conscious knowledge or, because of shame and expedience, are so afraid to come out that I feel it will take a great deal of effort, affirmation and courage to reclaim them." 

(I'm working on a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir Post #6: "I Guess That Mean's I'm Gay"

In all the years - decades - that I knew I was attracted to men, I would never allow myself to refer to myself as "gay." It was a "phase," an "affliction," a "perversion," an "abomination," a secret that must never, ever come to light.

When I first started coming out to myself in October 2010, I still refused to use the word "gay." I experienced "same-sex attraction" or "same-gender attraction," which were the terms the Mormon Church preferred. My homosexuality, it taught, was a condition, not a part of my identity, and my earliest blog posts reflected this.

That soon changed.

In late October 2010, I wrote a coming out letter to my sisters. The first two sentences were these:

"I have known at least since I went through puberty that I am attracted to men. I guess that means I’m gay."

A few days later, I came out to my wife by saying, "I'm gay. I always have been and I always will be."

And I never looked back.

I am gay, and I always have been.

(I'm working on a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)