Friday, December 11, 2015

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir: Celibate

12/11/10: Email to a new cyber friend

“You and I got married at about the same age, I think; I am a little older than you. I was deeply in the closet, of course, and I think I really believed that marriage would “fix” me, or at least minimize the attractions I had felt. I was so “into” it that I had no same-sex crushes, attractions, friendships, anything at all, during all the years of our marriage ...

"As to my situation, yes, it is daunting. But I feel relatively peaceful about it. The reason? I know I cannot go on the way things were. I have no choice but to move forward and through whatever lies ahead … I also hope to continue to expand a “support” network, as you have suggested. I am grateful for guys like you who have reached out to me.

“I have been so far in the closet and so 'celibate' in terms of interactions with guys that I haven’t even had any male friends as long as we’ve been married. So even just establishing friendships is something that is going to take me out of the zone I’ve been in … I can already envision the kindness, acceptance and love that I will find amongst my gay brothers, just by tasting what I have been so freely offered by you and others. This, almost more than anything else, gives me hope for the future and offers a glimpse of what life can be like …"

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