A New Man

After writing extensively in the 13 months following my decision to accept my homosexuality, I hit a wall.  I closed my blog, primarily out of privacy concerns.  Then, I decided to start another one, but private.  Then I decided to start writing again under my former nom de plume on a new blog.  

I had reasons for all of this.  Some of them concerned privacy issues, my divorce, etc.  Others related to my thoughts about writing one or more books about my journey out of heterosexuality, marriage and Mormonism.   Once I started writing publicly again, I stopped writing in my new private blog.  But then, I got to a point where I just felt like I didn't really have any more to say to the gay (ex-) Mormon community. I had started this second public blog to create material for a second book that would chronicle my journey out of the church and into a fully-committed relationship with Mark; but I ultimately found I couldn't do this for a variety of reasons, including the following:  (i) I had moved on from my old audience; (ii) confidentiality concerns; and (iii) a basic desire to keep these things private.

A friend of mine expressed in his own words my feelings in a better way than I could have when he wrote the following to me in an email:

"I think one of the things that made your initial blog interesting was that you were wrestling with current changes in your life, re-evaluating what it was you felt and believed.  It was the daily struggles of these competing positions which made it a compelling read.  That you've now come to peace with your decisions removes the daily conflict you were hashing out.  And I think that removes the drive you had to write about it. 

"I would guess that if you're writing about your daily life now, it is focusing more on the personal aspects of your relationships with your kids and with Mark; the daily small discoveries of creating a new life.  And if I were in your position, I don't think those are feelings I would want published to the wider blogosphere. They are meaningful because they are private."

For several weeks, I have felt a bit lost.  I didn't have any desire to write in my public blog or even to work on my book.  I think malaise would be the right word to describe what I have been experiencing (a word that was forever jaundiced in American thinking by Jimmy Carter's infamous use of the word in a speech during his presidency).

But I have been sorting things out of late, and one of the fruits of that sorting is this new blog.  I have started this blog because I want to write.  I write in my journal, and that shall remain private; but I decided I wanted to write on a blog about my life as a new man (Novus Homo).  I'm not going to write - except tangentially - about coming out, about leaving the Mormon Church, or about private challenges I face in relationships with my children, or about my relationship with my partner.  

Rather, this blog will simply chronicle my life, a place (as I recently wrote in my journal) "where I can write openly and honestly, but not a place to spill my innermost thoughts." It will be private, but not secretive.  It will be a place where I can share openly with those close to me.  Mainly, it will be a place where I can express myself.

So, here goes ...