On the Road Walking Towards Us

I have been reading a book of short stories about travel while on this trip, entitled The Best Travel Writing 2011:  True Stories from Around the World.  I am enjoying it immensely.

The author of one story refers to a book entitled The Art of Pilgrimage, by Phil Cousineau, which I intend to read when I return home.  One of the quotes from this book that was included in the short story I read was the following:

"We learn by going where we have to go; we arrive when we find ourselves on the road walking toward us."

I have experienced a bit of that on this trip.  In some ways, this quote describes the process of coming out that I have been going through for the last 18 months.  I have gone to a "place where I had to go" in order to discover and foster my true self.

But this also describes what has been happening on this trip.  It was my daughter who commented, after reading my blog, that:

"Your time in Hawaii so far seems absolutely blissful. I feel that being able to take a 'break' from the normal pace of life in a completely new and inexperienced place would be so healing. And being able to just soak in the beauty and healing of the ocean just seems like the perfect opportunity for just that - healing. Wow - I just used that word three times.  I guess that's the word that just kept popping into my mind as I looked at all your pictures and read about your days there."

Going to a new place is about seeking and seeing new things and meeting new people.  It's also about learning about and soaking up the character and culture of a place, about eating new foods and about trying new things.

But it's also about meeting yourself.  And in ways that I, for the most part, cannot articulate right now, I feel that this is what has been happening to me here in this beautiful place.

True, I haven't done a lot of the touristy things that a lot of people do here on Maui, but I have seen and experienced much and have been an observer.  Part of what I have been able to observe and learn from is myself.

For example, I am more tanned than I have been since I was a child. When I was a boy, I used to get very dark by the end of the summer. But, from the time I hung up my swim team Speedo when I was 12 until now, I hadn't had or taken the opportunity to tan.

I was therefore surprised to see a birth mark reemerge as I was doing pre tanning prior to this trip, a birthmark which has become more pronounced here and that I hadn't seen for 40 years.

"He hadn't seen it since his childhood:  a kidney shaped birthmark at the very top of his right leg.  He remembered it being on his left leg.  Brought out once again as a result of tanning, it became a symbol of his soul that had been submerged for over 40 years."

The disappearance of the birthmark had coincided with my realization that I am gay. I covered up and submerged that part of my self for almost 40 years. But, like the birthmark brought out by tanning, my gay self has been emerging as a result of the permission I finally gave myself to come out.

Which brings me back to another very important purpose in travel - to spend time with the love of one's life. To bond. To share experiences.  

I have been keenly aware that Mark made probably a half-dozen trips to Maui with his former partner. They had created many memories together, and most of Mark's Maui memories involve him.  

But, we are creating new memories, experiencing new sunsets and nurturing the love we have for each other. And that is something that won't be found in any guidebook and is infinitely more important.