Friday, November 20, 2015

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir Post: His Eyes


"For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid to look another man – especially a good-looking one - in the eyes for fear of what he might see in mine. There was always the worry about whether they might see through my mask, whether they could tell I am attracted to men.

"The result? I have gone through my adult life not making any meaningful eye contact with men, lowering my eyes, avoiding eye contact, being ashamed, constantly on guard, feeling less of a man, less of a person. I am tired of feeling ashamed!  I hate how this has made me feel for longer than I want to think about."


"I have realized that not only have I spent my life avoiding eye contact with certain men because I was afraid of what they might see in my eyes, but also because I was afraid of what I might see in their eyes. I have, since puberty, been so paranoid, so afraid of being “recognized” and called out to any degree (even when it could have led to what I secretly desired), that I have studiously, assiduously avoided eye contact with many men for fear of what I might see in their eyes."


  1. That's funny that you should say this. I've felt the same way, especially with the times when I've seen a guy I thought was so beautiful I could never look him in the eye.

    I got glasses recently for better distance seeing and have been surprised to notice more lately when people make eye contact with me. Maybe it's always been there and my astigmatism has just made it difficult to recognize. Or maybe my eyeglass frames are just really attractive and attention-grabbing. But I kind of enjoy that.

  2. Good to hear from you, Uttahhiker. Happy Thanksgiving!