Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Invictus Pilgrim Memoir Post #6: "I Guess That Mean's I'm Gay"

In all the years - decades - that I knew I was attracted to men, I would never allow myself to refer to myself as "gay." It was a "phase," an "affliction," a "perversion," an "abomination," a secret that must never, ever come to light.

When I first started coming out to myself in October 2010, I still refused to use the word "gay." I experienced "same-sex attraction" or "same-gender attraction," which were the terms the Mormon Church preferred. My homosexuality, it taught, was a condition, not a part of my identity, and my earliest blog posts reflected this.

That soon changed.

In late October 2010, I wrote a coming out letter to my sisters. The first two sentences were these:

"I have known at least since I went through puberty that I am attracted to men. I guess that means I’m gay."

A few days later, I came out to my wife by saying, "I'm gay. I always have been and I always will be."

And I never looked back.

I am gay, and I always have been.

(I'm working on a memoir about the year I came out. This is one of a ongoing series of posts based on the blog - entitled "Invictus Pilgrim" - that I kept during that year.)

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