Last November, I ran across some images on the Internet of pages of a book in German that told the story of a little boy whose parents had divorced and whose father had then become partners with a man. It was a wonderful story that presented gay love in a wholesome, loving manner. I published the pictures on my former blog and simply wrote "Sigh" at the end:
I "sighed" because I thought that such a book could not exist in English and because I hoped for the day - which seemed impossible at the time - that I could treat my relationship with Mark in such an open manner in front of my younger children.
Then, a couple of months ago, I discovered that the book was originally published in English, not German, and a copy was available at the Salt Lake Public Library. I checked it out and color photocopied every page, since the book is long out of print. I then placed the pages in vinyl sleeves, put them in a binder and put the binder on the shelf, looking forward to the day that I could read this book to the Quads.
That day came yesterday.
I hadn't planned to read the book to them this weekend. But I received a phone call from Nathan Friday afternoon, telling me that the neighbor boy down the street (one of the children I have written about before who have told the Quads that I'm a "drunk") had come over and made some comments to him about my tan that I had acquired in Hawaii with my "fiancé," concluding with the comment, "Well, your dad's gay, right?" When Nathan asked who had told him that, he said that Esther and Aaron had told him.
I knew the time had come to talk to Esther, Aaron and Levi about me being gay and in more detail about my relationship with Mark. I put in a call to my ex-wife, but didn't hear back from her. So, after carefully questioning both Esther and Aaron about what they might have said to the Jensen kids, I met first with Esther and read her the book. We talked about the men in the story and about Mark and me.
I explained that most men love women and visa versa, but sometimes men love other men and women love other women. I explained that Mark and I are in love with each other, and that sometimes men who love other men are called "gay." It isn't "wrong," it isn't "weird," it's just a bit different, and a lot of people don't understand it. Some people, I explained, even think it's wrong or bad - even some people in our own family. But those people just don't understand.
Both Esther and Aaron seemed fine, even relieved, that I had told them this. Aaron, in particular, said that the Jensen kids had been making comments about me being gay. Now both he and Esther understood. Neither of them (nor Levi when I talked to him) seemed in the slightest bit embarrassed or repulsed by the conversation.
I explained further that some things are not appropriate to talk about with other people. It's not a secret. It's not that I or they are or need to be ashamed. But we just don't talk about some things with other people; it's none of their business. For example, I explained, both of them are adopted, both were born in Russia, etc. This isn't a secret, but it's not something that's appropriate to talk about with just anyone.
I had a similar conversation with Levi and he reacted in a similar manner.
Having these discussions represented a big step, but in the end, it seemed like a gentle, natural step rather than a jarring leap. They know I love them. They know Mark loves them. They know that Mark and I love each other. And they know that I am gay. And they are ok with that. I'm not so naive as to believe that there won't be additional challenges ahead, but at least I don't have to feel like I'm hiding a huge part of my life from my children.
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